Confrontations, contemplations and heart breaking

queen E
do u ever think about race?
Beeks
im assuming you mean skin color and not marathons...
haha and yes i do. i think about how stupid it is that people judge on that when its such a small part of our genome.
Queen E
why did u say that to have a tatoo as a basketball player u have to be big and black?
and what is with ur running joke about "black momma" and like shaniqua etc.
beeks
i know its a stereotype. and i know its judgemental. i guess i didnt mean black necessarily, but just not baby-faced like that guy was, because i though it looked weird. chris henderson on the nuggets is a skinny white guy and he's got a load of tattoos.
queen e
so why did u say black?
beeks
the running joke is... an inside joke. not sure where it started. just nicknames we came up with. not to be racist in any wayand i couldnt tell you. just wasnt thinking i suppose
Queen E
interesting inside joke/
do u ever wonder if that makes anyone uncomforatble?
beeks
honestly, i hadnt thought about it. it was a joke from a year or so ago and we tend not to use it anymore, except its still my name in i think 2 people's phone books. and im sure it does make people uncomfortable or upset. like im guessing you?and i apologize for that
Queen E
apologize for making me uncomfortable?
Beeks
well yea, since it got to the point that you wanted to bring it to my attention.
Queen E
its always made me uncomfortable
im just trying to get to a place where i can say that
and uncomfortable is not the best word. its more like wanting to actively pull off ur skin and throw it away. and then vomit.
Beeks
oh okay sweet. thats a nice visual/but really, i want you to be where you can say that to anyone too, but also to me. i want us to get back to the point where you kinda said whatever you were thinking, honestly, to me. and so then i can answer honestly back too.
Queen E
when did that even change
?
Beeks
i dont know. i just feel like we never speak/see each other. ever anymore
Queen E
i know/when it got to the point where it hurt too much to try to stay connected to u, i stopped
beeks
why did it hurt
Queen E
because, overall, it seemed like u were afraid of me
or at least what i stood/stand for
Beeks
i dont think ive ever been afraid. in awe maybe haha. we're both tough, but i think you have more courage to stand up out loud when its something truly important for what you believe ini stand up when its a little less serious i think.
queen E
no thats not what i mean
u entered a different social realm
and i am a reminder of how u used to be and who u used to hang out with
and i think ur desperatley trying to keep ur standing
so all those crazy stunts we used to pull arent cool now and if u acknowledged that u had once thought they were, ud just be giving the people (like desi and kat) who have seen through u from the start the inch they need
beeks
i think i dont care what my social standing is. i think that yes, i am self-conscious. but do you have any idea how much happier i would be to have things back to the way they were? how much better this year would have been for me?sure, i love that ive grown close with different people, and im very glad that i left old ones behind (aka spencer. jessie. etc.)
i love those crazy stunts. i miss doing that. maybe its because we havent gotten to hang, so i guess its brooke that sees it now, but sure. i like how some things have changed,but a lot of it? sucks. ive been hurt this year far more than last.
so please dont tell me how it seems like all i care about now is who im friends with and looking cool and that ive forgotten last year. because thats not true.
and wow. telling me that im trying to look cool for the sake of desi and kat? because they "know" me? that im a fake of some sort? ouch. that really hurts.
queen E
i just said i thought u were scared
because i remember that time when we were driving up to the hockey game
and u knew that making me sing would help me stop freaking out
and i was like wow.
but then the second u had to explain it to concussionB, u chickened out
beeks
chickened out? what? i said that you had an amazing singing voice. maybe it sounded like it because she was feeling really shitty so i got quiet. if there is anyone that i can totally be whoever i am with, its concussionB (and you). so i would never hold back because of that
queen E
u held back because she felt like crap.
why did she come! why didnt u tell me and corbear!!! why didnt u tell me tybeans was coming! why didnt u even try to find us!
i dont know beeks
i have all these times when i just had no idea what to think
and the only conclusion i came up with is that ur scared. i think ur hurting a hell of a lot and i think that scares u
too
Beeks
no. i did not say i held back. i say it may have sounded like it because i stopped talking because her head hurt and since i was sitting right next to her i didnt want to make noise.she came because the hockey team was important to her. she didnt know it was going to hurt.i had no idea tybeans was coming until i got in the car to go to your house and he was in the front seat. i didnt even want him to come. i didnt try to find you because you guys left to get food, we sat down, had seats saved, but didnt see you anywhere. and then the game started.and yea. i am hurting. a lot. these past couple weeks have sucked, for a lot of kinda superficial reasons but still. i got really hurt by a jerk who i dont think even knew that he was stepping on my heart and i couldnt even talk to you about it
so you read this. im going to go to sleep because i didnt sleep much last night. and im sorry for maybe being mean to you or whatever i did. im sorry. but please cut me a little slack. not much, because i know im to blame too. but just a little.

The Years Go By And We Only Get Colder....

I feel Ice Queen cold and its making me miserable. It's like a stupid vaccuum, sucking everything out of me, but I can't find the source. 

I saw ol' Green Eyes yesterday. I even knew I would. He stood across from me, kinda, at the basketball game versus my school and his. 

He kept looking over at me, even my sister noticed. 

(P.S. my sister is amazing, she bought me pickles! Best present thing ever! Spontaneous pickles!!)

I rolled my eyes at him, which he probably couldn't see, but all I wanted was for him to leave me alone, to stop looking at me. 

I think I like the attention, though. 

Maybe I feel threatened by him. 

What I want from him is that he is always around. 

Those 5 minutes wouldn't be enough, so I didn't even want a taste of it because it would only be too hard to crave it for such a long time afterwards. 

That is my only hypothesis. 

I am pretty sure I am not a cold person inherently. 

Although I did literally turn my back so he wouldn't see me/come over. He didn't. 

But why??!!!!! ARGH! Stupid teenage angst. What is wrong with me? With him? I want him to be a permanent fixture in my life, but do I actually want him?

You know, it took me about 3 years to finally be comfortable around TyBeans? Maybe I just feel threatened by guys. Maybe because I am so drawn in by them and just want to tell them everything. Maybe that means I have learned not to make such a fool of myself around them. 

Am I afraid to love? Do I just not love Green Eyes in anyway? I think its the first. Its just so scary...

This is my shoutout to my amazing lil sis, as well, who is turning 14 tomorrow. She is awesome and is growing into a funny, strong, good natured woman. Wow. Woman. My little baby sister!!!!