A Different World

Since we last spoke, much has happened.

A girl in my sister's grade committed suicide at her high school. Amidst the lovely triumph of my new college life was sprinkled moments of tragedy when I remembered what the community I had just left behind was experiencing constantly. It was too easy for me to slip away, to ignore what had happened. When it hit me, it hit me hard and knocked me out until I could barely make it to a friend's room where she would let me recover from the enormous sadness sitting on my chest on her futon.

I met an amazing, wonderful boy. He loves to dance and is incredibly friendly. I went through the first motions of what I thought was starting a relationship, becoming friends but not friends. You know that place? He told me how much he enjoyed spending time with me, that I was great, that he cared for me. He answered all the questions I ask him about life, love and his awful history. He pays attention to what I say and when he looks at me with his light brown eyes, I know he is seeing me. He sees how I shut down when I am sad, past the weird awkward bundle that I am when he is around, he sees what no one else has or has ever tried to see. He doesn't let me become the invisible anthropologist who asks questions but is never expected to answer. He is asexual. Of course, that didn't matter, as much as I tried to make it matter, when we had our "touching" dance rehearsal. It was difficult to remember that he said he didn't like boys or girls and had never had a crush on anyone when his body was sliding around and on top of mine, when he was dipping me and supporting me. And then, when he took my hand it put it up to his chest, his heart just under the surface, beating, so fragile, just fluttering. When he enclosed me in his arms and I reminded myself that this dance wasn't for me, it wasn't about me, I was just a prop at the moment (the assignment: one partner was to use the other's body as a prop while they stood motionless and impassive. The dancer was supposed to remember a time when he/she had really just wanted someone to hear them, to see them). "This isn't about me," I reminded myself as he ran his knuckles down my arms. And it just all felt so right, so wonderful and magical and comfortable, all this to me, a person who has always had touching issues. I always have felt like touching someone was a promise and I am much too scared to promise my body to someone else. But not to him.

Should I feel fucked? I do sometimes. I totally...well, something close to love...this boy. And he is asexual. For now? For always? Oh god. But I also feel loved.

He was the only one who offered to talk about my grandfather's death. My grandfather, my favorite person in the entire world. Again, I didn't have to deal with it sitting 3,000 miles away from my family, from most reminders that this wonderful person was gone forever. One night, I had a dream about him. It was a happy dream, we were both laughing, him lying in his bed looking healthier than he had for years. But I woke up so sad and it was like a dam had broken. For the next couple of weeks, it became more and more difficult to get out of bed. It didn't help that I am taking 5 classes, working 4 days a week, volunteering, and have dance rehearsal really late two nights. Finally, I lost it and canceled all my commitments. And called over the boy I mentioned above, who we shall simply call the Boy I Love (a self-fulfilling prophecy?), something I never do. I never ask for help, don't want to appear dramatic. And he showed up to take care of me, twice.

Finally, I attended my grandfather's memorial service. It was terrible, but really helped. I think that things will be better when I get back to school.

Not to mention that the spring is coming!! I think part of all this was a bit of the Winter Blahs, although it wasn't terrible. Everything was just so bare and so brown and it always makes me hungry for green, for life.

I am on break now, trying to recooperate. Trying to sort out my mind and get ready to go back. I truly do love my new school and all that I am learning and becoming.

Wish me luck!

The Start of Something New!!!!

Well, dear bloggedy-boo, as I am sure you are somewhat aware, I will soon be jetting off into a new college life. This summer has not brought about many changes. I have been soaking up the summer sun, as always. For money I have been babysitting and cooking with my sister. I have been trying to prepare mentally for what is coming next, but, honestly, so much of it resides in the unknown that it is terribley difficult.
As for friends, these last two weeks have brought about a spurt of seeing people. The reality of leaving is right in front of my eyes, with friends jetting off this weekend!!! GAh!!!! In some ways it has been really good. As I am terribley anti-social in the summer, this realization has helped me put the pedal to the medal in terms of seeing the people I most care about.
At the moment, my biggest dilemma is a friend who never wants to stop seeing me. I am at the point where I would like to let her know that we need to stop seeing as much of one another. She is very clingey and, as I have come to realize this summer, sweet but not terribely interesting. This has put me in a spot as she keeps wanting to do something before she leaves for this trip or I leave or whatever. Now there are only a few days left of her being in Colorado and I am honestly unsure of whether or not I can stand anymore. I have spent more time with her this summer than I have with any other person. To hang out or not to hang out, that is my question!!!
Just yesterday I had an Indian food and Bollywood movie night with a friend. It was great and I am sure that she is one of the two people I will really want to keep in contact with as I move on in my life. As I dropped her off at her house, I realized that this would probably be the last time I would see her in the next few months and I grew very sad! Tonight a similar occurence took place. I went to a pool party and some many of the friends who are awesome people to hang out with but who I dont usually pursue. We swam and shot water guns at one another and laughed and laughed and laughed. I almost felt that not having seen them all summer helped with this, because I wasn't frusterated with this one's immaturity or that one's constant talking. It was just a good time. As some of my pals started to head off, I decided I would as well. My car ride suddenly seemed very lonely and I felt awfully melancholy. Is there something I have missed in not pursuing these friendships, or will they remain more sweet and untainted without being stale? I am unsure. I just felt a real longing for what I had left behind: childhood, it almost seemed. Being care free, laughing and having fun. It was a beautiful culmination of my time in high school and I hope will be a memory that will remain with me as I move on and begin to reflect more on how I spent those four years.
Cheers!

New Chapter

Well, I have officially graduated from Kent. As I am apt to do in the summertime, I have begun to realize just how much I disliked my high school. Nevertheless, I am also attempting to take the last couple of years in stride before I begin my new adventure in college. I have to say that I am incredibly excited about the school that I chose! It sometimes becomes quite difficult to just sit around here, knowing that when school starts my life will be so totally altered. My parents have been telling me for years that I am much more suited to college life. I have never been great at keeping in touch with friends either (the friends who are the closest to me are the ones who I know I will be able to connect with the easiest the next time that we meet) and the rush that people seem to feel with as the date for depature grows closer often seems shallow and superficial to me. I have spent the last month or so babysitting, getting to know my Grandmother because I am watering almost every two days, and just relaxing. Attempting to reorient myself for college life sometimes takes me away from where I am in the moment. I am trying to do that so that the shock of leaving home is not too horrible. I have also been trying to realter the way that I see the world around me. I am practicing shifting my focus from the way that others view me to the way that I see myself. Suddenly I am not spending half as much time worrying about what others are thinking or saying about what I am wearing or the way that I look. It is refreshing in a way and a nice new start. I have also begun cooking a lot. I am helping my sister with her cooking business, but also simply paging through recipe books and trying new things out. I absolutely love the summer time. I sleep so much better now without all the stress of highschool and I can't wait to see where my own feet will take me as I turn onto the next avenue!

Confrontations, contemplations and heart breaking

queen E
do u ever think about race?
Beeks
im assuming you mean skin color and not marathons...
haha and yes i do. i think about how stupid it is that people judge on that when its such a small part of our genome.
Queen E
why did u say that to have a tatoo as a basketball player u have to be big and black?
and what is with ur running joke about "black momma" and like shaniqua etc.
beeks
i know its a stereotype. and i know its judgemental. i guess i didnt mean black necessarily, but just not baby-faced like that guy was, because i though it looked weird. chris henderson on the nuggets is a skinny white guy and he's got a load of tattoos.
queen e
so why did u say black?
beeks
the running joke is... an inside joke. not sure where it started. just nicknames we came up with. not to be racist in any wayand i couldnt tell you. just wasnt thinking i suppose
Queen E
interesting inside joke/
do u ever wonder if that makes anyone uncomforatble?
beeks
honestly, i hadnt thought about it. it was a joke from a year or so ago and we tend not to use it anymore, except its still my name in i think 2 people's phone books. and im sure it does make people uncomfortable or upset. like im guessing you?and i apologize for that
Queen E
apologize for making me uncomfortable?
Beeks
well yea, since it got to the point that you wanted to bring it to my attention.
Queen E
its always made me uncomfortable
im just trying to get to a place where i can say that
and uncomfortable is not the best word. its more like wanting to actively pull off ur skin and throw it away. and then vomit.
Beeks
oh okay sweet. thats a nice visual/but really, i want you to be where you can say that to anyone too, but also to me. i want us to get back to the point where you kinda said whatever you were thinking, honestly, to me. and so then i can answer honestly back too.
Queen E
when did that even change
?
Beeks
i dont know. i just feel like we never speak/see each other. ever anymore
Queen E
i know/when it got to the point where it hurt too much to try to stay connected to u, i stopped
beeks
why did it hurt
Queen E
because, overall, it seemed like u were afraid of me
or at least what i stood/stand for
Beeks
i dont think ive ever been afraid. in awe maybe haha. we're both tough, but i think you have more courage to stand up out loud when its something truly important for what you believe ini stand up when its a little less serious i think.
queen E
no thats not what i mean
u entered a different social realm
and i am a reminder of how u used to be and who u used to hang out with
and i think ur desperatley trying to keep ur standing
so all those crazy stunts we used to pull arent cool now and if u acknowledged that u had once thought they were, ud just be giving the people (like desi and kat) who have seen through u from the start the inch they need
beeks
i think i dont care what my social standing is. i think that yes, i am self-conscious. but do you have any idea how much happier i would be to have things back to the way they were? how much better this year would have been for me?sure, i love that ive grown close with different people, and im very glad that i left old ones behind (aka spencer. jessie. etc.)
i love those crazy stunts. i miss doing that. maybe its because we havent gotten to hang, so i guess its brooke that sees it now, but sure. i like how some things have changed,but a lot of it? sucks. ive been hurt this year far more than last.
so please dont tell me how it seems like all i care about now is who im friends with and looking cool and that ive forgotten last year. because thats not true.
and wow. telling me that im trying to look cool for the sake of desi and kat? because they "know" me? that im a fake of some sort? ouch. that really hurts.
queen E
i just said i thought u were scared
because i remember that time when we were driving up to the hockey game
and u knew that making me sing would help me stop freaking out
and i was like wow.
but then the second u had to explain it to concussionB, u chickened out
beeks
chickened out? what? i said that you had an amazing singing voice. maybe it sounded like it because she was feeling really shitty so i got quiet. if there is anyone that i can totally be whoever i am with, its concussionB (and you). so i would never hold back because of that
queen E
u held back because she felt like crap.
why did she come! why didnt u tell me and corbear!!! why didnt u tell me tybeans was coming! why didnt u even try to find us!
i dont know beeks
i have all these times when i just had no idea what to think
and the only conclusion i came up with is that ur scared. i think ur hurting a hell of a lot and i think that scares u
too
Beeks
no. i did not say i held back. i say it may have sounded like it because i stopped talking because her head hurt and since i was sitting right next to her i didnt want to make noise.she came because the hockey team was important to her. she didnt know it was going to hurt.i had no idea tybeans was coming until i got in the car to go to your house and he was in the front seat. i didnt even want him to come. i didnt try to find you because you guys left to get food, we sat down, had seats saved, but didnt see you anywhere. and then the game started.and yea. i am hurting. a lot. these past couple weeks have sucked, for a lot of kinda superficial reasons but still. i got really hurt by a jerk who i dont think even knew that he was stepping on my heart and i couldnt even talk to you about it
so you read this. im going to go to sleep because i didnt sleep much last night. and im sorry for maybe being mean to you or whatever i did. im sorry. but please cut me a little slack. not much, because i know im to blame too. but just a little.

The Years Go By And We Only Get Colder....

I feel Ice Queen cold and its making me miserable. It's like a stupid vaccuum, sucking everything out of me, but I can't find the source. 

I saw ol' Green Eyes yesterday. I even knew I would. He stood across from me, kinda, at the basketball game versus my school and his. 

He kept looking over at me, even my sister noticed. 

(P.S. my sister is amazing, she bought me pickles! Best present thing ever! Spontaneous pickles!!)

I rolled my eyes at him, which he probably couldn't see, but all I wanted was for him to leave me alone, to stop looking at me. 

I think I like the attention, though. 

Maybe I feel threatened by him. 

What I want from him is that he is always around. 

Those 5 minutes wouldn't be enough, so I didn't even want a taste of it because it would only be too hard to crave it for such a long time afterwards. 

That is my only hypothesis. 

I am pretty sure I am not a cold person inherently. 

Although I did literally turn my back so he wouldn't see me/come over. He didn't. 

But why??!!!!! ARGH! Stupid teenage angst. What is wrong with me? With him? I want him to be a permanent fixture in my life, but do I actually want him?

You know, it took me about 3 years to finally be comfortable around TyBeans? Maybe I just feel threatened by guys. Maybe because I am so drawn in by them and just want to tell them everything. Maybe that means I have learned not to make such a fool of myself around them. 

Am I afraid to love? Do I just not love Green Eyes in anyway? I think its the first. Its just so scary...

This is my shoutout to my amazing lil sis, as well, who is turning 14 tomorrow. She is awesome and is growing into a funny, strong, good natured woman. Wow. Woman. My little baby sister!!!!

How the World Sees us

In high school, the world is...well, school. Generally. Ok, maybe just where I go to school. Anyways, I'm taking AP English with this amazing teacher who we shall just call Battman. Today, he was SO excited about going to a play with his Shakespeare seminar class that he just couldn't handle any work, so we just got to talk which is just SO nice. He started telling us a story about breaking up with a girl friend in high school. I asked him what "type" of person he was in highsschool and CPossehl asked which one of us he would be. He implied that he was the quiet type. I was curious as to whether he really knew what our "types" were and so I asked him and he said he wasn't really sure, that he could only guess. We wanted him to guess and he tried to, a little bit, but suggested instead that we all do one another. All this, of course, is in the chatty, 300 conversations at a time highschool classroom manner. I love that battman lets us be like that, so we can just say what we need to when we want to and, although I don't always hear everything, I generally feel like I learn so much. Maybe it is just my fast, wired teenage brain that craves such loud chaos.
Anyways, I wanted to kind of commemorate what we said about one another, cause I think it would be awesome to have in a couple years.
CProcknow: Jokingly, of course, a ginger, haha. Funny and awkward. Good natured. Friendly. Witty. Just generally a good guy. Pretty smart.
DODonnel: Mysterious, strong silent, kind of quiet, lots of memories came up, like about his 55 pg paper in 7th grade to review for the history exam, or when he was a scrawny kid in elementary school with big glasses as PWalker said.
SMyers: subtley inappropriate alot, funny, nice, "SMyers can be mean!" as HScott said
EArchibald: SO sarcastic, v. few things come out of his mouth that aren't sarcastic, 'has the one liners everybody wishes they had but don't"-PWalker, genuine about stuff he really loves (soccer), HScott told story about him in 7th grade when he said something saracastic about how cold it was and some girl kicked him in the balls
SWhite: V. Laid back (compared to KWhite), quiet, genuine, good natured, can be astonishingly driven and Battman mentioned how SWhite had been so driven and had walked in to the head of the English department's office and wanted to start a writing club. Battman said he thought, "See, that kid isnt as laid back as everyone thinks". He is pretty chill, not v. dominant in his classes haha (CPossehl).
HScott: Flustered easily (CPossehl), very Jocky, pretty driven, v. smart, "Asian" haha, she is definitleye the recipient of a lot of ribbing about that (she said she doesn't mind being called that because people think she is smarter than she actually is. She is half Chinese. This was interesting cause JLuo is first generation Chinese and no one calls her that, not really)
CBeaton: Artsy, angsty (CPossehl), you think she is quiet but then you get to know her and she is v. talkative, she is deceptively quiet.
JLuo: The MCooper of our grade. The Newspaper, A student, lots of energy, kind of deceptively quiet but when you talk to her she is just so bubbly (like KWhite). Lots of stuff we don't associate with her but that she does, like the funky Chinese instrument she plays and her ice skating.
Me: Passionate. "I feel like she's pretty fearless" CProcknow. "Capricious" said CPossehl and she said that one of the moments she remembers about me was sophomore year (actually junior year) when we were walking to science (chem) with EClark and someone else and I randomly started singing Annie, "Tomorrow" loudly. She was like "Oh, you have a really good voice" and I said thank you and kept on singing. PWalker said quiet and everyone was like WHAT WHAT are you talking about, "Well, see, I said quiet, but I really meant boisterous" haha. PWalker said his fav moment of me was in the musical when I just walked in and berated everyone. I was so red. (P.S. PWalker=Tevye).
OGerard: Golf. Straight A student. Preppy. Just very academic. Theater, a bit. General Ivy-Leaguer
CPossehl: Loud, passionate, opinionated. SWhite talked about how he was afraid to talk in sophomore English cause he thought she would just shoot him down haha and she was so embarrassed and kinda tried to apologize. This was funny cause she was later the one who told him he wasn't dominant in any of their classes and PWalker imitated her "You're not dominant because I'm Dominant!!!!". Confident. Very articulate and eloquent, Battman said that she was the only person who would come into his office and talk and talk and talk and talk and he would just be fascinated by everything she says. Knows her own mind.
PWalker: Hard to be pigeon holed =Battman. Associated with Speech and Debate even though he doesn't do it. Musical, jock (soccer), Model UN. Like this kid GSeigel from a couple years ago who had a huge ego but was just an annoying jerk, but PWalker is actually well known and well liked. Gets along with everyone. Loud.
We still have to do KWhite and TTran/Princess T, but I know what people will say about KWhite: jocky, very smart, so much energy, talks really really fast but has to think about it for a while, just good at EVERYTHING (art, sports, school), running.
I'm not sure what they'll say about TTran.
Anyways, this sounds more boring than the long discussion was, but there is a bit of a glimpse into life at my school and the niches the kids in AP English fill. Awesome excersize!

Everything is not as it seems....

The girl, Elizabeth, who I thought was so incredibly independent relies more on what people think than....well, most people that I have met. So much for being yourself.
Now Tybeans has a girlfriend. Which is great for him.
I am just so incredibly depressed and angry. And for some reason I just can't believe any of it.
I am mad at Elizabeth for blaming me for not taking her to Slumdog Millionaire although I had 33 hours of Fiddler that week. And was planning on setting up. Which I learned would have been a really bad idea. She is a perfectly rational, capable human being. Who knows how to drive. And I don't feel guilty. I just can't believe she is pinning her complacency on me.
Why am I not happy for Tybeans? He got everything he has wanted. And his girlfriend is a sweet, and pretty nice from what I know about her.
Today was such a lovely Sunday.
I drifted in and out of conciousness all day, sleeping, dreaming, waking and back again. Sat out side in the grey repressed feeling world that just soaked up all the sounds, even of my MP3 player. Did my homework and just moved as though I was not quite lucid yet. No contact with the outside world. Till now. I need more days like this. Goodbye sweet Sunday.