Floating, Drifting, Waiting

I am no longer in motion. Summer is almost here and for the first time in months I have free time. And I have no idea what to do with it. I am just floating, drifting, waiting. I am senseless and emotionless, waiting for something to come and wake me from this numb dream. I am waiting to be reminded of who I was when I loved life and wasn't cynical and bitchy. I am waiting for someone to show me that I can fall in love instead of helping the guys I like to get their girls (although I don't mind this truly, because they are happy and that is good and usually I feel relieved they don't like me, even though I've always known they don't). I am frozen in time. Everything that I do is simply a time filler, something to keep me going until I do find that burst of orange smelling sunlight that will wake me up from this comatose state. I feel my dreams in front of me and I can remember that past but I am suspended in between, almost as though there is no present. Idling, dreaming, sleeping, hoping, waiting, drifting, floating.

So Complicated

So, I'll admit, there is another guy. This one I met in Hebrew school. I was about 11 or 10 at the time and we didn't talk but I remember thinking "WOW, he is cute. If we ever meet again, I hope something happens". At that time I thought his twin sister was obnoxious. She was mouthy and kinda mean to this nerdy kid Daniel.
On the day of the freshman pizza party that happens every year right before school starts, I walked in and was introduced to these two once again. My heart pounded a bit. There is he was again, taller and tanner and leaner.
At the end of freshman year I liked him. I even wrote a poem (creepy, but it was pretty good) about him. We were friends as well and had deep convos on AIM (seriously). But I was always attracted to him.
At the beginning of sophmore year I still liked him. We were still having deep convos, but I would lose my ability to speak whenever he came near me. He figured out I liked him. I had a fit and didn't talk to him much after that. I was still attracted to him.
It is the end of the year again and I didn't really see him much up until like two weeks ago and I am still attracted to him. Alot. But I can't like him. And it's driving me crazy. Nails in palm crazy.
First reason: His sister is my best friend (maybe why I like him. they are similar and I'm way straight, he is like her in really gorgeous boy form)
Second Reason: another of my friends and him had this huge fight rather similar to the one I had with my ex best friend and I can't even imagine the chaos.
Third: He would hate me if he knew what I did to my ex best friend
Fourth: He doesn't like me
Fifth (and this is a point for and against): We are so similar. We are both always right (except when we both disagree). We are stubborn and independent and say what we think.
Sixth: Most of his friends are my friends.

But he laughs at my jokes and my bluntness and he truly is gorgeous. He has beautiful blue eyes that wrinkle when he smiles or laughs. He has a brillant smile and amazing teeth now that he just got his braces off. He is muscly but not overdone. He loves food. He is a soccer player and only wears hoodies (I seem to have a thing for soccer players (and hockey ones) and guys who wear hoodies). He is a great debater and has good sense about life (except for when it comes to his own, like me). He is very smart and articulate and silly. And honestly, however silly this sounds, I wouldn't mind marrying him. He would be a great husband and I think we would be happy.

But it can't happen and it won't and it's almost summer and I hope to forget him. I hope he doesn't realize this happened AGAIN. I don't want to like him. But sometimes when I see him, it's like he is holding a magnet and I am drawn to him. So much so that I have to grit my teeth and clench my fists in order to not run after him. It's so complicated.

Stop it.

Yes, that's right, stop it, just stop it. Yes, I'm talking to you. I'm talking to all of you out there. I can't do this. I am so overwhelmed. So just leave me alone, ok? Please? Because everytime I get close to someone, something happens. I stop being interested and hurt them or they stop being interested and hurt me either way making me feel bad. Not just lovers (not that there have been any of those) but also friends. I always seem to ditch my friends. I should come with a warning. Warning: Gets Tired and Disposes of People Quickly. I think in terms of my friends, my motto is actually "The further away the better" because the friends that I like best are the ones who are never around. And then you, you that kid at the ice cream store, STOP LOOKING at me. Because I can't do anything. I don't have enough energy to be nice to you all the time and I feel bad when you turn those big brown eyes on me. I like you, which therefore means that I am not comfortable around you, so please, if you know whats good for you, either lay off or lay it on thick. If you talk to me, I will talk back. I don't ignore you because I hate you, I ignore you because I don't know what to do around you. I still have the mentality of a kindergartener. I'm just so tired. I am ready for summer time. Please, someone, save me from myself. I always expect too much of people. They can't be arrogant, spoiled or late. They can't always talk about themselves but they can't echo everything I say. They have to be opinionated but in the right way and they have to be independent. I found very few of these people. But, I guess I have the wrong ideas about friends. I always expected to meet a couple and stay best friends with them for the rest of my life, maybe conveniently falling in love with one of them and marrying him. But that doesn't happen. Ever. I meet someone who I click with for a while and then I get tired of them and move away from them. So, just stop it, ok? Please. For these next coupla weeks I don't want any interaction more than brief flirting and small talk. That's it. I'm too worn out to do anymore. I will break with more guilt and possibilities and woulda coulda shouldas. So, please, just let me figure out my life. I'll call you when I do.