Disappearing into the Crowd

My generation feels invisible. We live in a world where we spend more time talking to "friends" on the computer than we do in person, where parents are either incredibly overbearing to the point of abusiveness or are so neglective that we have been raising ourselves, a world where we push ourselves so hard because if we stop, for even one moment, we realize how alone and insignificant we feel. Isn't that why we open up blogs, myspaces and facebooks? We send our information out onto the web, hoping against hope that someone out there will care enough to acknowledge us, to show us our own power. I feel so alone. I am surrounded by people who love me, some by choice, some by blood and yet I feel as if my story is falling on deaf ears. I had hoped that by explaining myself to the cyber world I would hear back an echo, something to show me that my thoughts could turn into a rallying cry and yet all I hear when I send my thoughts out is reverberating silence. I live a life, make mistakes that have been made a thousand times before. I may be cynical in this moment yes, but somehow I still believe I have a purpose here, that I have a reason to keep living. When I have heard that hopeful sound of my own thoughts being voiced, I am so suprised, so astonished that I do something drastic, forcing that voice further and further away so that even in my moments of cocooned desperation, I cannot rely on them to rock me back into myself. I have even convinced myself that I it is alright that they do not reply, that I should have never expected and trusted them to offer their shoulder when I needed it. I try hopelessly to convince myself that I am strong and can make it through this time by myself. All that I have left to give, I am using on myself. I am drained of energy, I cannot give more of myself to those who simply crave the attention instead of actually wanting to solve their problems. I know how selfish that is and that the best way to get love is to recieve it, but all I want to do right now is curl up and shed a couple of picturesque tears.

The Love of My Life

Field hockey. Ha! You thought I was going to say the Green Eyed one or Hebrew Boy or someone else. Nah. They are but mere mortals. Field hockey is the love of my life. This is the one thing that I love that I haven't been good at. I have had to work my butt off, starting as the last player to be put on in 6th grade at the worst school, playing more in 7th, starting in 8th then going to high school where I was the 3rd worst player on the freshman/C team, starting on JV sophmore year, benching it on varsity junior year and hopefully being a starter on the state champ team next year. I am just about to depart for 4 days of field hockey and I can't wait. There are some things I dread, namely the people I play with, but everything else should be spectacular. My little sis and her friend are coming along this year, so I can chill with them if need be. Misfits don't generally play field hockey, so when I am with my team I am rather quiet. We have all come to respect and tolerate one another for the sake of the team and none of them are truly horrible people, we just don't all see eye to eye. But I am studying as hard as I can, watching field hockey, playing, thinking, breathing field hockey. I am filled by that determination that comes with the knowledge that there are so many people who think I "Can't" but that also there are so many people, including my coach, an AMAZING player and hard ass person, who think I "Can". And me. I know I can. Every year I train my butt off and accomplish my goal. Nothing is sure, but I have enough fire within me to work as hard as I possibly can. I love field hockey. I will be sore and exhausted, sweaty and hot, but I will play as though I just stepped out onto the field. What I lack in skill I will make up for in determination, and slowly I will learn the skills. I can be faster, stronger because I want this. Go me!!!

World on My Shoulders

I know I am just really tired and that is why I am so stressed and weepy, but I feel like I am in this box and it is just closing in on me from all sides. It's no wonder that people have nervous breakdowns and take superstrength medication in America and that people are kicked out of their businesses at 25 because they are over the hill. I feel over the hill and I haven't even turned 17. There is so much I have to do. To get into these amazing schools I am supposed to submit an essay that sums up every facet of my being to a group of people who has read about a thousand of the same essays, hoping that, because of a 3 page paper they will accept me. But to go to those schools, I need money, so here I am writing more papers, trying to be funny, serious, charismatic, caring, independent....trying to put all that on paper just so that someone can maybe, maybe send me $1,000 so that I can attend a school of my choice without putting my parents onto the street. Then there are all the extracurriculars. I love volunteering, but I am supposed to have started a homeless shelter and tutored kids at the same time to get into the schools of my choice, while maintaining a 4.3 GPA, being a leader in everyday activities at my school, making varsity on every team or getting lead in all the musicals and still try to be happy. It doesn't seem to matter that, even if I am the worst player on the team, I LOVE the sport I play. Or that maybe I have a 3.6 GPA because I spend hours every night counseling people, trying to help them survive the HELL that is high school. That maybe I don't think grades could or ever should sum up anyone. And even though I am a great person and my mom reminds me that I have gotten into all the really selective schools that I have wanted to get into, I just find myself feeling so worried. Essays, grades, extracurriculars, sports, social life, being well adjusted....I can't do this all. I can't hold the world on my shoulders. And right now, I feel like I am doing it alone because the Green Eyed Kid...well, I don't know how we stand. It's not his fault that he is the only one who I can gush to about all this stuff and end up feeling better instead of feeling worse. So, I'm trying not to put him in that position, I guess, allowing him to be just as selfish (not that its a horrible thing) as most of my other friends who are great at ranting about their problems but REALLY horrible about listening. And it's summer. I am supposed to be happy. I have two jobs, went on a college trip, have a vague notion of what I want to do tomorrow, next week and maybe next month, am going to all the camps I love and here I am sitting in my room just wanting to curl up with the hopes that the elementary school rule of "you can't see me, I can't see you" will work. I guess I will put myself to sleep after rewriting my long list of to dos, knowing that tomorrow I am expected to find a replacement for shifts I am missing, change appointments, write at least two semi decent essays, sign up for ANOTHER standardized test, clean everything, fix everything.......I will make it through though. I always have.