Disappearing into the Crowd

My generation feels invisible. We live in a world where we spend more time talking to "friends" on the computer than we do in person, where parents are either incredibly overbearing to the point of abusiveness or are so neglective that we have been raising ourselves, a world where we push ourselves so hard because if we stop, for even one moment, we realize how alone and insignificant we feel. Isn't that why we open up blogs, myspaces and facebooks? We send our information out onto the web, hoping against hope that someone out there will care enough to acknowledge us, to show us our own power. I feel so alone. I am surrounded by people who love me, some by choice, some by blood and yet I feel as if my story is falling on deaf ears. I had hoped that by explaining myself to the cyber world I would hear back an echo, something to show me that my thoughts could turn into a rallying cry and yet all I hear when I send my thoughts out is reverberating silence. I live a life, make mistakes that have been made a thousand times before. I may be cynical in this moment yes, but somehow I still believe I have a purpose here, that I have a reason to keep living. When I have heard that hopeful sound of my own thoughts being voiced, I am so suprised, so astonished that I do something drastic, forcing that voice further and further away so that even in my moments of cocooned desperation, I cannot rely on them to rock me back into myself. I have even convinced myself that I it is alright that they do not reply, that I should have never expected and trusted them to offer their shoulder when I needed it. I try hopelessly to convince myself that I am strong and can make it through this time by myself. All that I have left to give, I am using on myself. I am drained of energy, I cannot give more of myself to those who simply crave the attention instead of actually wanting to solve their problems. I know how selfish that is and that the best way to get love is to recieve it, but all I want to do right now is curl up and shed a couple of picturesque tears.