A Glass Box of Emotion

Summer time. Great time because 1) I am alone with my own thoughts. Stinks because 1) I am alone with my own thoughts. And, it's worse than normal (yes, I am dramatic, thank you). Because my friend who we shall call Jomama, a crazy girl at my school who has always been there starting with the first day when she told me she loved my mismatched socks, is switching schools. Which sucks. But that wasn't what pushed up the first wall in my glass box. It was the fact that she is in love with Hebrew Boy. Oh and then another good friend, one who I always seem to reconnect with in the summer cause we are always around at the same times and who we shall call Princess T, decided that she likes the Green Eyed Demon. I guess I can't call him that though because I got to hang out with him and Princess T and he really is quite nice. And v. cute. Although I hated him for the beginning (my mind changed when this other girl was a bitch to him in front of me (not Princess T) and pissed me off cause he looked genuinely hurt. I guess it was a "no one is allowed to bitchy to him but me" reaction. And then when I was actually starting to have a convo with him we had to leave. And the way he looked at me made my heart melt a little bit. Then he took Princess T down town and held her hand and put his arm around her. So, while I was on my grueling college vacation, she was calling and texting me to ask if he liked her and what should she do. I have basically numbed myself but a little part of me is like "WAIT!". I try to have no opinion about them as a pair b/c I think part of it is that part that melted when he hugged me goodbye, but they REALLY aren't a good match. She is TRULY a princess who has lots handed to her and is really smart but a bit daft. He is a golden hearted absentminded professor. UGH. And I have no one to tell about this!!!!!!!!!!! Ah well. I'll just stay numb.

Sun Baby

I am in my element in the summer. The heat and the constant motion and yet the floating at the same time. I am a baby of the sun, a darkening copper girl with insane black fire tendril hair. I am somewhere deep in my mind, just observing the warm greeness of gnats and chlorine. I sit on the stoop for hours reading and dozing off with open eyes, watching the people of my world walk by, consuming sweet sticky fruits that leave their delicious tropical yellow scents dripping off my soft fingers. I like just watching boys but not feeling any need to get involved and only talking to people that I like and not attempting to fix my internal problems but knowing that my intense peacefulness is slowly mending all the rips and tears that formed over the school year. I am cleaning up and moving like a girl caught in syrup, getting things done in a slog jog, not a rush, because there are hours and hours to fill and to pass while gazing at the blue sky and another bright day will come again. I sleep well, dreaming and letting all my worries and thoughts and fears pile out of me at night to join the rushing sound of the highway so that I am lighter and freeer when I wake up. I am happy, a Leo, a sun baby, warm and copper and golden and darkening, loving the way the sun caresses my body and my skin and loving wearing huge shirts and shorts around because I love my body and don't want to don't need to show off for objectifiers. I digest books and life all sitting on my front stoop and everything around me keeps moving while I am in the middle, floating, being, bounding through a river of sunshine, a sun baby in a life cradle.

Suprise!!!

How do you feel about suprises? I, generally, enjoy them. I also, generally and honestly, expect them. I can just feel them coming.
I have always known that Green Eyed Demon would show up sometime when I wasn't expecting. Of course I figured this would be at like a rivalry game or something between our two schools, but I guess since I expected that, there was no possibility of it actually happening. So, after a year, where do I see the Green Eyed Demon?? At the SAT 2s. As if those aren't stress inducing enough!!!!!!!!!!! I honestly didn't think he was going to be there. What a scary gurgle in my tummy there was when he walked through the door in a pumpkin guts long sleeve shirt.
Still the same Green Eyed Demon. And, oh gosh, I tried to ignore him. I don't know why. I was just acting on instinct. But then he was there, hugging me and smiling at me and asking me how I was and LOOKING at me. He wouldn't stop looking at me. Every time I would be laughing with my friends (including Hebrew Boy), he was there, grinning and looking at me. Not like I looked awesome or anything, so I have no idea what thoughts were running through his head. I hadn't brushed my ridiculous amount of hair so it was piled in a frizzy bun on my head and I was wearing the same sweatshirt I've had since the summer before freshman year and bright yellow shorts that I found at the goodwill and were covered in stains from my various activities (eating, painting, drawing) and flip flops. But there he was looking at me and grinning at me.
Ironically, he was sitting next to Hebrew Boy during the tests. When I realized this I quickly looked inside to see how I felt...nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. The boys I've been pining over since like 6th grade sitting next to eachother. Hebrew boy on one side, quiet, stubborn, wirey but muscly, curly brown hair, thoughtfully staring out the window with those beautiful blue eyes and his favorite weird shoes under his sister's desk. Then the Green Eyed Demon on the other side, twitching in his chair, spazzy and quick, goofy, very muscly in a Disney man sense with that weird little blond patch of hair at the base of his neck sticking out from the mud brown crop on his head. And nothing. No flutters, no vomiting feelings. The first thought in my mind was actually how much I hate boys. Boys and all their....boyness. Their leering and their smiling and their broad shoulders and muscles and leaning on things and looking. Ugh boys. So I decided, I quit boys. Let's see how long this lasts!!!

Clarity

I finally learned my lesson. About the Green Eyed Demon. That is the boy who I thought I was in love with, no not the one from Hebrew school. The one from middle school, my best/ex best friend. I spent all this time trying to get his attention. Trying to make him realize how much he needed me. Because I felt like, maybe, if he realized how cool I was, I would realize how cool I was too. The only time I had realized my potential was when I was talking to him. But I am really awesome without him. I know my potential. I am so full of potential and hopes and dreams. And if he doesn't want to return email messages or phone calls or come to things I plan, that is truly on him. My tears are wasted. Cause he is not MY perfect guy, or A perfect guy for that matter. He is the G.E.D., he is human. He still has a lot of growing to do. And sure he's pretty cool, but I'm not gonna try to force somethign that might never happen. I am ok by myself. Same thing on the Hebrew School kid. He is sweet and pretty gorgeous and he is stubborn as hell and so similar to me, but I like him as a friend. Or not even as a friend. He's just a cool pic. At least I have a type, I guess, now. I like athletic guys. I like guys who are like me, stubborn and argumentative and opinionated (but not wrong) with a good sense of humor, easy going cause I am a girl and have mood swings. But right now, I quite like me.

Mezlca de Emociones

It's only the first day of summer and I'm already tired of fighting with my mom. She shirks her responsibilities, delegates them to other people and then still manages to make me feel bad for not getting to me when she wants me to. Things get put off until someone else does them or she is tired of being nagged: the car blinker, groceries etc. But when I bring them up I get in trouble and her eyes are filled with cold white anger. I don't want to spend the whole summer fighting. I want her to remember to do things the same way that I am supposed to. After all, shouldn't a fourty something year old be more responsible than a teenager?
Prom is not all it's cracked up to be. Not that I went, I actually went to the movies instead. I went to after prom and pre prom, just skipped that central part. And the only difference that it has inspired in me is exhaustion which could be the explanation of why I am just sitting here sobbing.
I start nannying tomorrow. I get to do all the things I love with people I like for money.
And the kid from Hebrew School...well I am so glad that it is summer. Because last night I just liked him more than ever. After I had teased him about not dancing, I heard he danced away while trying to make sure that his sister had a good time because she was going with one of his good friends. He is just such a good guy. I was looking at all the prom pictures and caught myself just grinning whenever I would see his. The little happy wrinkles he gets around his eyes are just...amazing. But isn't it so ironic that I am the only one of his friends, I think, that knows and helped him talk to the girl he liked and go on a date with her.
Summer, my favorite season is here. I am already dark from riding my bike to school. My arm hair is turning blonde. This is the season of long nights and freedom and loneliness. It's the time of books and long hours in front of the computer and poetry and staring at the big moon. It's the time when I throw my blankets off in the heat of the night and when I can wake up at six in the morning and go for a run. Ice cream, cooking, movies and smiles. Rest, stories, bright colors, new ideas and ambitions, bitter times of remembering the past. My birthday, music, sitting on the stoop watching cars go by, eating too much and wishing for rain. Green leaves, brown grass, multicolored tank tops and shorts, bright colors at outdoor movies and carnivals and festivals, a passing word with a close friend. And then the chaos will start again...