Beeks: i would say you havent necessarily become stronger/righteous (i dont know if thats the right word though...)
youve just become more vocal about it
youve been a tough kid for a while. its not something you become. its something you are
ew no green eyes is dumb
yay for you for not backing down!you rock
i think its awesome anyways
i respect you more when youre honest rather than say what i want to hear
Vig:
yes quite
a bit
wait actually no not really
well i feel that you are still really sheltered. no offense. but i also think you have changed in the fact that you arent as quick to judge people
like you dont immediately judge someone, you get to know them before you form an opinion.
Tybean: yes and no
yso helpful riight?
what i mean is
that you have changed but it is nopt anything huge but different parts of you have grown more predominant but you have become more i dont know i guess pensive and thoughtful
buyt when you do break the silence you will speak your mind completely and tell the blunt truth the sad thing is that most people you hang around are to pathetic to be able to handle the truthyeah cus like i dont know i've seen you do it a before where you will be upset with someone about something but decide that they vcan make their own choices but when they keep on doing the same stupid shit you call them out on it
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
What is normal?
Dear Green Eyes,
I was just living, like always, moving from thing to thing. I felt a little twinge in that pocket of emotions that I think we call a heart: I missed you. I'm never really sure how the emotion goes with the thought, but whatever.
Of course, to an extent, I wear my heart on my sleeve. But tonight even I was suprised by myself (P.s. I am E)
E:even as im missing a used to be best friend who i thought i was in love with but am not afraid to call and be alone with/haha/but it could be worse, i could be dying from an uncurable never before seen disease right?
T:right.../well i think u should...i not sure...talk to green eyes?
E: i know
T: im not sure what this means and i jsut remembered it, but i thought i'd tell u and see what you thought. a long time ago, before u guy started talking again green eyes said things had changed between you guys, and something about how u had changed/like...im not sure how to put it
E: just say it, remember, im ice queen, no feelings
T: maybe he said something like too "righteous??" or too strong?/i didn't really understand
E:it figures/honestly, how long ago was that?
T: oh when we saw him at sat 2s actually/ya i remember b/c i was like we should hang out w/ E but he said something like that
E: T why are u telling me this?
T: b/c i realized that i should no longer be encouraging u to pursue Green Eyes/nor should i discourage but i thought u should know...was i wrong to?
E: no, although ill admit it stings a bit
T: yeah im sorry but i wanted to be honest w/ u/and i thought it was important for u to kno
E: well maybe he's right/ive been thinking a bit about that lately/but i think a lot of it is show anyways/idk/what do u think?
T: what do u mean "a lot of it is show anyways?"/well i think that being headstrong is admirable, but i can get overdone/i mean i dont htink ur always heastrong or w/e
E: haha im not offended/i suppose im just trying to find a balance, like everyone else/i mean i think the E Green Eyes remembers was the one who was afraid of hurting peoples feelings, who was always trying to make people feel happy/all i know, is that i have always been afraid of getting hurt, and...i dont know, i got so sick of secrets and of trying to please everyone and to try not to hurt anyone's feelings that i felt like i was losing myself...its become so much easier to say what i think, to just put me out there/and im sure im headstrong, cause i often take it too far because im still just as scared of being hurt, of letting people get too close? i dont know
T: well u can't avoid not getting hurt/and i kno u r sick of secrets, but...that's kindof the way life works
E:but it doesnt have to
T: its good to keep some secrets to urself i mean do u want the hwole kent community really knowing who u truly are? i would feel exposed
E: i mean, a secret is just like pretending something that happened or some emotion that exists doesn't, why do u have to pretend/no, but i dont tell everyone my secrets/but if i think that u are being annoying, who does it hurt if i dont tell you? it hurts me, and you, because im pretending that i dont hurt you, im not trusting and respecting you enough to tell you that/like with rich girl?
T: no it's not, its just shielding ur secret away from people and keeping it to urself/well yeah i mean i've learned to take it from you, but it does hurt sometimes. i think u hurt mroe by telling than by not/like i think rich girl is annoying but at times she can be really sweet and i try to ignore when she is annoying, but if it goes overboard, i get snappish with her/i tell her in the way i act rather than straight out/it's just..im not sure? courteousy?
E: dont u get sick of trying to decipher how people are acting? like in mean girls, when that one girl is like "oh i love ur bracelet" and turns around and says that it is so ugly/how is that being gracious? its not like u have to comment on the hideousness of the bracelet, but why lie?
T: that's different. i mean to use that metaphor, it's like going up to me and saying "you're not being annoying" when i am being annoying but to ignore it is different/like the bracelet, if u don't like it, then don't comment
E:so if i see u doing something stupid i am supposed to ignore it?
T: well what is stupid? like standing up in assembly and making a fool of myself or dancing around w/o my clothes?
E: i dont know?/i dont know T, i just got sick of pretending. which is probably why my closest friends are the ones who just tell me what they think right out/because i know that they respect me enough/and i wish that michael had just told me that
T: yeah well some people just can't do that
E: and then u wouldnt have had to, but did u notice, that u told me the truth because u respect me? cause u thought that it was the right thing to do?
T: i dont think it shows anything really
E: i mean its kinda weird that u would tell me i was in love with michael while still knowing that though...
T: yea i was like "oh shoot i should not tell her that anymore and here is why"/well that's also very different b/c this is about michael, not me. like i wouldn't tell u straight out if u were being annoying
E:but then if u happened to tell someone else, say becky, they would probably mention it/and i would be all hurt and mad at you even though u wouldnt even know i knew/thats SO complicated
T:well we're girls we have feelings/but the thing is, i wouldn't tell anyone else/at least i wouldn't tell them what i didn't want u to kno/it's much easier to be told indirectly than straight from the source, at least thats what i think
E: sure its easier, but, me, i dont really trust that person very much anymore/maybe im making excuses, but last year, jomama and elizabeth and i held together a group of at least 10 people/and you would be suprised how many dark secrets came out, how much drama there was on top of all the normal teen stuff/and so, as someone who knew everything, i could not mentally hold in ALL those secrets. i didnt have the time or the energy to be everybody's messenger/i couldnt be the middle person because i would get blamed and start more drama. so i try to be responsible for me myself and i/i cant go through all that other stuff, its too exhausting and it ruins people, it rips you up. i still keep the secrets, all those dark ones and one of those weighs 20 times me keeping the secret of how i actually feel about someone/and maybe thats an excuse, but it is also very true, i think, because before last year, i was like you, i didnt want to hurt anyone, i wanted to make sure no one was offended. but there is ALWAYS someone who u will offend, who will be hurt and you will die trying if you try to please everybody. i dont want to live my life like that
T:well i agree. i mean i can't please everybody and i've stopped trying to/but whats so bad about the secrets? i think ur only letting it hurt u b/c isn't ur job just to listen?/i mean if its not ur secret, ur just there to help/although i don't know how dark ur secrets are.../but if i told u someone was annoying, would that really bother u?/and weigh u down?
E: if u heard from 10 people in a day, and then heard about who they liked, and then about their deepest darkest secrets, which one would u choose to keep/i tried SO hard T, to do it almost all on my own, even keeping things from jomama (although i told elizabeth almost everything) but i broke down too many times/i mean, i didnt have that ONE person i could tell everything, i had 10 children to take care of who treated eachother and themselves like crap. and i spent the whole year wishing i could have kept every secret, cause i know people felt betrayed, but that one person i looked for, that was Green Eyes, and sure it was probably partially my fault he wasn't around, but i had to go it on my own
T:well then i dont htink u chose to please the right people. i mean true, u can't please everyone but u can please the people u like/well u know what, those ten children are damn lucky u were listening b/c u shouldn't be the one to clean up their mess. i mean what were u getting in return for it?
E: i was their friend, i didnt want anymore, and u know i loved hearing everything and having all that power
T:well then why are u complaining about hearing it?/and u do have power, but really, it's their fault if u told b/c they trusted u in the first place
E: im not complaining about hearing it, all im saying is that one 16 year old CANNOT handle that. at least i couldnt, and maybe that means i failed, but thats why i am how i am toay/*today/ and its like u said, its one thing trusting someone with a deep dark secret, or even who u like, but telling me that ur annoyed with someone and then not to tell...yeah, thats not likely
T:oh...well idk i miss parts of the old E too...whoever that is/yeah well first u have to ask urself why they were telling u their secrets?/did they want help or jsut someone to lsten?
E:i dont know T, im glad its over/i think it was more like i was supposed to choose sides/because, if you had me, you had elizabeth and jomama and then basically you had won, whatever the stupid problem was/im sry u miss the old E, i do too, sometimes
T: well that's what hs is i guess/well don't apologize to me it doesn't matter what anyone thnks but u
E: haha thanks/but i mean what do u miss? just that i would watch my mouth?
T: maybe.../i miss the E that couldn't keep a secret. haha she was great
E:that couldn't keep a secret?/oh my gosh do u remember when for like almost all of sophomore year i was annoyed with u?/but i was too scared to tell u?
T: yeah/well i knew
E: haha, wasnt it annoying that i just didnt tell you/wait, you are glad i COULDNT keep a secret
T: not really i knew anyone so why should u tell me? if u told me it'd be like u were demanding that i change/well ok i miss the E that was quieter, more giggly and liked to gossip/why were u annoyed w/ me again?/well idk haha ur going to hate me for using this but i miss the E who doesn't fit the stereotype of a feminist...i kinda already told u that lol but u took it the wrong way
E: haha/what the strong, blunt part, or the activist part?/i mean i know that culturally its bad to be a crazy feminist, but i mean being a feminist means u believe in equal rights for men and women
T: i kno we looked i up/it*
E: and the quiet part?...thats never been me, i was just always too afraid to talk and then my mom gave me this quote that said "Speak your mind even when ur voice shakes"
T: yeah strong, blunt, loud, in my face
E: HAHA/and yet we talk almost as much as we did freshman year?
*in a whisper* is that how you feel? Felt? Think? That I changed? And, *shouting* you dumbass, how is it a bad thing that I found my voice? That I'm not so scared, ok, so maybe I am, but that I show it in a different? How is it bad that you don't have to pry my lips open to get me to tell you why you hurt my feelings? Do you know how HARD it has been to get to this point?
*whisper* but why wouldn't you tell me that? Is that why we don't talk anymore? Do you remember when, at this exact time of year, you sent me an email, asking me for helping, telling me that you were afraid that things would never be normal again? Did life ever become normal for you? Because it didn't for me? You just learn to live with the pain, you put a harder shell around yourself, because even if you didn't love your best friend, you sure as hell cared a whole lot for him. But telling him you loved him...well that split you apart, didn't it, before different interests and schools and beliefs could...would it have been different? Would you still be best friends with me? Would you still come to me when you needed help? Would you have not zoned out when I was talking that one day when we finally hung out after almost a year of not talking? Would I have learned to say what I felt and what I thought without needing the help of a computer?
Because I am callous now. It's like I said, ice queen. Nothing really touches me. Sure, I get offended, and I get mad, but thats not a feeling. I'm just caught up with the need to win. I don't feel much. I hang around with blunt people who tell it like it is because it is nice to know they aren't hiding anything from me and that I don't have to watch my words around them and I LIKE that. I am naturally dramatic, so weaving complicated webs is so easy for me and for the first time in what seems like a long time, I don't have to do that. But where is that E? Where is she?
I stared at myself in the mirror, because I only let myself cry, really cry, in the bathroom, where the sound of the running bathwater drowns out the sound of my sobs, pretending I was talking to you. And my eyes are so hurt. I am still so hurt. I didn't stop caring about you, I just learned to ignore it. I miss you so much.
So what do I do now? It probably won't ever be the same...not us talking for hours on AIM or running around the mall, always getting ice cream. But I wish...I wish I knew what you thought of me. Do I text you or do I just keep walking? I didn't thing I would have to walk away again...it'll hurt just as much as the first time. I miss that strong E who didn't second guess herself so much, who wasn't afraid that you would ignore me, Green Eyes, just like you seem to...or you get distracted and forget...I could do it right now, text you, call you, email you, something, but if you didn't respond...well, my heart is beating again and I know it would feel that. Besides,*sigh*, it's almost Thanksgiving. I really really miss you.
I was just living, like always, moving from thing to thing. I felt a little twinge in that pocket of emotions that I think we call a heart: I missed you. I'm never really sure how the emotion goes with the thought, but whatever.
Of course, to an extent, I wear my heart on my sleeve. But tonight even I was suprised by myself (P.s. I am E)
E:even as im missing a used to be best friend who i thought i was in love with but am not afraid to call and be alone with/haha/but it could be worse, i could be dying from an uncurable never before seen disease right?
T:right.../well i think u should...i not sure...talk to green eyes?
E: i know
T: im not sure what this means and i jsut remembered it, but i thought i'd tell u and see what you thought. a long time ago, before u guy started talking again green eyes said things had changed between you guys, and something about how u had changed/like...im not sure how to put it
E: just say it, remember, im ice queen, no feelings
T: maybe he said something like too "righteous??" or too strong?/i didn't really understand
E:it figures/honestly, how long ago was that?
T: oh when we saw him at sat 2s actually/ya i remember b/c i was like we should hang out w/ E but he said something like that
E: T why are u telling me this?
T: b/c i realized that i should no longer be encouraging u to pursue Green Eyes/nor should i discourage but i thought u should know...was i wrong to?
E: no, although ill admit it stings a bit
T: yeah im sorry but i wanted to be honest w/ u/and i thought it was important for u to kno
E: well maybe he's right/ive been thinking a bit about that lately/but i think a lot of it is show anyways/idk/what do u think?
T: what do u mean "a lot of it is show anyways?"/well i think that being headstrong is admirable, but i can get overdone/i mean i dont htink ur always heastrong or w/e
E: haha im not offended/i suppose im just trying to find a balance, like everyone else/i mean i think the E Green Eyes remembers was the one who was afraid of hurting peoples feelings, who was always trying to make people feel happy/all i know, is that i have always been afraid of getting hurt, and...i dont know, i got so sick of secrets and of trying to please everyone and to try not to hurt anyone's feelings that i felt like i was losing myself...its become so much easier to say what i think, to just put me out there/and im sure im headstrong, cause i often take it too far because im still just as scared of being hurt, of letting people get too close? i dont know
T: well u can't avoid not getting hurt/and i kno u r sick of secrets, but...that's kindof the way life works
E:but it doesnt have to
T: its good to keep some secrets to urself i mean do u want the hwole kent community really knowing who u truly are? i would feel exposed
E: i mean, a secret is just like pretending something that happened or some emotion that exists doesn't, why do u have to pretend/no, but i dont tell everyone my secrets/but if i think that u are being annoying, who does it hurt if i dont tell you? it hurts me, and you, because im pretending that i dont hurt you, im not trusting and respecting you enough to tell you that/like with rich girl?
T: no it's not, its just shielding ur secret away from people and keeping it to urself/well yeah i mean i've learned to take it from you, but it does hurt sometimes. i think u hurt mroe by telling than by not/like i think rich girl is annoying but at times she can be really sweet and i try to ignore when she is annoying, but if it goes overboard, i get snappish with her/i tell her in the way i act rather than straight out/it's just..im not sure? courteousy?
E: dont u get sick of trying to decipher how people are acting? like in mean girls, when that one girl is like "oh i love ur bracelet" and turns around and says that it is so ugly/how is that being gracious? its not like u have to comment on the hideousness of the bracelet, but why lie?
T: that's different. i mean to use that metaphor, it's like going up to me and saying "you're not being annoying" when i am being annoying but to ignore it is different/like the bracelet, if u don't like it, then don't comment
E:so if i see u doing something stupid i am supposed to ignore it?
T: well what is stupid? like standing up in assembly and making a fool of myself or dancing around w/o my clothes?
E: i dont know?/i dont know T, i just got sick of pretending. which is probably why my closest friends are the ones who just tell me what they think right out/because i know that they respect me enough/and i wish that michael had just told me that
T: yeah well some people just can't do that
E: and then u wouldnt have had to, but did u notice, that u told me the truth because u respect me? cause u thought that it was the right thing to do?
T: i dont think it shows anything really
E: i mean its kinda weird that u would tell me i was in love with michael while still knowing that though...
T: yea i was like "oh shoot i should not tell her that anymore and here is why"/well that's also very different b/c this is about michael, not me. like i wouldn't tell u straight out if u were being annoying
E:but then if u happened to tell someone else, say becky, they would probably mention it/and i would be all hurt and mad at you even though u wouldnt even know i knew/thats SO complicated
T:well we're girls we have feelings/but the thing is, i wouldn't tell anyone else/at least i wouldn't tell them what i didn't want u to kno/it's much easier to be told indirectly than straight from the source, at least thats what i think
E: sure its easier, but, me, i dont really trust that person very much anymore/maybe im making excuses, but last year, jomama and elizabeth and i held together a group of at least 10 people/and you would be suprised how many dark secrets came out, how much drama there was on top of all the normal teen stuff/and so, as someone who knew everything, i could not mentally hold in ALL those secrets. i didnt have the time or the energy to be everybody's messenger/i couldnt be the middle person because i would get blamed and start more drama. so i try to be responsible for me myself and i/i cant go through all that other stuff, its too exhausting and it ruins people, it rips you up. i still keep the secrets, all those dark ones and one of those weighs 20 times me keeping the secret of how i actually feel about someone/and maybe thats an excuse, but it is also very true, i think, because before last year, i was like you, i didnt want to hurt anyone, i wanted to make sure no one was offended. but there is ALWAYS someone who u will offend, who will be hurt and you will die trying if you try to please everybody. i dont want to live my life like that
T:well i agree. i mean i can't please everybody and i've stopped trying to/but whats so bad about the secrets? i think ur only letting it hurt u b/c isn't ur job just to listen?/i mean if its not ur secret, ur just there to help/although i don't know how dark ur secrets are.../but if i told u someone was annoying, would that really bother u?/and weigh u down?
E: if u heard from 10 people in a day, and then heard about who they liked, and then about their deepest darkest secrets, which one would u choose to keep/i tried SO hard T, to do it almost all on my own, even keeping things from jomama (although i told elizabeth almost everything) but i broke down too many times/i mean, i didnt have that ONE person i could tell everything, i had 10 children to take care of who treated eachother and themselves like crap. and i spent the whole year wishing i could have kept every secret, cause i know people felt betrayed, but that one person i looked for, that was Green Eyes, and sure it was probably partially my fault he wasn't around, but i had to go it on my own
T:well then i dont htink u chose to please the right people. i mean true, u can't please everyone but u can please the people u like/well u know what, those ten children are damn lucky u were listening b/c u shouldn't be the one to clean up their mess. i mean what were u getting in return for it?
E: i was their friend, i didnt want anymore, and u know i loved hearing everything and having all that power
T:well then why are u complaining about hearing it?/and u do have power, but really, it's their fault if u told b/c they trusted u in the first place
E: im not complaining about hearing it, all im saying is that one 16 year old CANNOT handle that. at least i couldnt, and maybe that means i failed, but thats why i am how i am toay/*today/ and its like u said, its one thing trusting someone with a deep dark secret, or even who u like, but telling me that ur annoyed with someone and then not to tell...yeah, thats not likely
T:oh...well idk i miss parts of the old E too...whoever that is/yeah well first u have to ask urself why they were telling u their secrets?/did they want help or jsut someone to lsten?
E:i dont know T, im glad its over/i think it was more like i was supposed to choose sides/because, if you had me, you had elizabeth and jomama and then basically you had won, whatever the stupid problem was/im sry u miss the old E, i do too, sometimes
T: well that's what hs is i guess/well don't apologize to me it doesn't matter what anyone thnks but u
E: haha thanks/but i mean what do u miss? just that i would watch my mouth?
T: maybe.../i miss the E that couldn't keep a secret. haha she was great
E:that couldn't keep a secret?/oh my gosh do u remember when for like almost all of sophomore year i was annoyed with u?/but i was too scared to tell u?
T: yeah/well i knew
E: haha, wasnt it annoying that i just didnt tell you/wait, you are glad i COULDNT keep a secret
T: not really i knew anyone so why should u tell me? if u told me it'd be like u were demanding that i change/well ok i miss the E that was quieter, more giggly and liked to gossip/why were u annoyed w/ me again?/well idk haha ur going to hate me for using this but i miss the E who doesn't fit the stereotype of a feminist...i kinda already told u that lol but u took it the wrong way
E: haha/what the strong, blunt part, or the activist part?/i mean i know that culturally its bad to be a crazy feminist, but i mean being a feminist means u believe in equal rights for men and women
T: i kno we looked i up/it*
E: and the quiet part?...thats never been me, i was just always too afraid to talk and then my mom gave me this quote that said "Speak your mind even when ur voice shakes"
T: yeah strong, blunt, loud, in my face
E: HAHA/and yet we talk almost as much as we did freshman year?
*in a whisper* is that how you feel? Felt? Think? That I changed? And, *shouting* you dumbass, how is it a bad thing that I found my voice? That I'm not so scared, ok, so maybe I am, but that I show it in a different? How is it bad that you don't have to pry my lips open to get me to tell you why you hurt my feelings? Do you know how HARD it has been to get to this point?
*whisper* but why wouldn't you tell me that? Is that why we don't talk anymore? Do you remember when, at this exact time of year, you sent me an email, asking me for helping, telling me that you were afraid that things would never be normal again? Did life ever become normal for you? Because it didn't for me? You just learn to live with the pain, you put a harder shell around yourself, because even if you didn't love your best friend, you sure as hell cared a whole lot for him. But telling him you loved him...well that split you apart, didn't it, before different interests and schools and beliefs could...would it have been different? Would you still be best friends with me? Would you still come to me when you needed help? Would you have not zoned out when I was talking that one day when we finally hung out after almost a year of not talking? Would I have learned to say what I felt and what I thought without needing the help of a computer?
Because I am callous now. It's like I said, ice queen. Nothing really touches me. Sure, I get offended, and I get mad, but thats not a feeling. I'm just caught up with the need to win. I don't feel much. I hang around with blunt people who tell it like it is because it is nice to know they aren't hiding anything from me and that I don't have to watch my words around them and I LIKE that. I am naturally dramatic, so weaving complicated webs is so easy for me and for the first time in what seems like a long time, I don't have to do that. But where is that E? Where is she?
I stared at myself in the mirror, because I only let myself cry, really cry, in the bathroom, where the sound of the running bathwater drowns out the sound of my sobs, pretending I was talking to you. And my eyes are so hurt. I am still so hurt. I didn't stop caring about you, I just learned to ignore it. I miss you so much.
So what do I do now? It probably won't ever be the same...not us talking for hours on AIM or running around the mall, always getting ice cream. But I wish...I wish I knew what you thought of me. Do I text you or do I just keep walking? I didn't thing I would have to walk away again...it'll hurt just as much as the first time. I miss that strong E who didn't second guess herself so much, who wasn't afraid that you would ignore me, Green Eyes, just like you seem to...or you get distracted and forget...I could do it right now, text you, call you, email you, something, but if you didn't respond...well, my heart is beating again and I know it would feel that. Besides,*sigh*, it's almost Thanksgiving. I really really miss you.
Everything...
What if you got everything that you wanted? Sounds great, right? Wrong. I have everything. I get along with my family, I am a happy, confident person who is not dying slowly from some uncurable disease, I have a great part in the Musical, I get along with everyone I know (to some extent), I was on the varsity field hockey team, I have been accepted into one school, I love my classes....But the amount of work that I have...I can't even enjoy any of it because I am either rushing to complete the next thing or I am asleep, dead tired. I have amazing friends who trust me explicitly: I have to write their evaluations, which is a great honor. I love my anthropology course: have to complete 6-7 hours of field study and field notes, a 15 page ethnography and a presentation for my class. I am smart enough to go to any college and vain enough to care about whether I am happy or not: I have five more applications to do, interviews to complete etc. I love my english class: I have a 15 page paper to do. I love my math class: have to retake a test...blah blah blah, I know, not interesting. I suppose I am just so tired and this list of things to do (learn my lines for the play, clean my entire room) is making me feel like I am being crushed. Sigh. I'll get over it. I just wish that this Thanksgiving Break could be more about my family and fun than about all the work I have to do. It's not like I don't work my ass off. I mean, this is my last Thanksgiving when I am officially living at home. Kinda sad, isn't it? Rush, rush, rush and I don't even know where I am going. Oy vey, no matters, haha, I'll get back to it! Happy Thanksgiving!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Riddle Me This...
How do you measure the gap between how you view yourself and how the world views you?
Why does your heart speed up when a conversation is begun with an old flame?
Why is it that there is never enough time to think?
How do we make our minds numb to the incredible power that it contains?
How is it that sometimes the feeling of taking a deep, deep breath reminds us that we are human even though we breath in and out unthinkingly, continuously throughout our lives?
How do you unleash the powers of your mind on a world that is so afraid to hear?
How do you smile at the kid in the next car who is smiling at you?
Is it worth it to rate beauty?
How do you reach out, across that great divide, to feel the hand of another person?
Why is it that we feel the need to prove ourselves over and over and over and over again?
Why do we mold our personalities to those of who we love because the difference is just too painful?
When do we stop seeing and start just knowing?
Is it possible to curl up so deep within yourself that you lose everything from the outer world?
Why? Why? Why?
Why does your heart speed up when a conversation is begun with an old flame?
Why is it that there is never enough time to think?
How do we make our minds numb to the incredible power that it contains?
How is it that sometimes the feeling of taking a deep, deep breath reminds us that we are human even though we breath in and out unthinkingly, continuously throughout our lives?
How do you unleash the powers of your mind on a world that is so afraid to hear?
How do you smile at the kid in the next car who is smiling at you?
Is it worth it to rate beauty?
How do you reach out, across that great divide, to feel the hand of another person?
Why is it that we feel the need to prove ourselves over and over and over and over again?
Why do we mold our personalities to those of who we love because the difference is just too painful?
When do we stop seeing and start just knowing?
Is it possible to curl up so deep within yourself that you lose everything from the outer world?
Why? Why? Why?
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Overthinking...
So theres this kid...with a rotten reputation...who has caught my eye...maybe because I feel that I might have caught his eye in the metaphorical and literal sense...and I don't like him like that...but I must admit, I'm curious. I suppose watching him makes it worse, but I'm trying to figure him out. It's only been two days since I started wondering about this and I bet that the idea is premature and based on castles in the air (although I don't know if it's something I actually was wishing for...maybe just more the being noticed part) but it's still there and will probably not go away for a couple of days. Why? A lot of eye contact...has said my name more than normal...brushing up against me although there was a lot of room for him to manuever without touching me...but then again, this is kind of just...well, let's call him Tevye.
So I got into college...with a merit based scholarship of 16,000 and an offer to earn 8,000 more...and I haven't even applied for aid yet!!!!!! It's just cause I'm amazing. It makes me feel special in a way and awesome but also so boxed in. I have 7 schools to still write my applications for and I am not sure that this is the one...but it is so much money, I could possibly earn almost a full rid if I got the 8,000 dollars and the financial aid...which would be amazing because I really don't want to burden me or my parents with loans...Ugh.
So I got into college...with a merit based scholarship of 16,000 and an offer to earn 8,000 more...and I haven't even applied for aid yet!!!!!! It's just cause I'm amazing. It makes me feel special in a way and awesome but also so boxed in. I have 7 schools to still write my applications for and I am not sure that this is the one...but it is so much money, I could possibly earn almost a full rid if I got the 8,000 dollars and the financial aid...which would be amazing because I really don't want to burden me or my parents with loans...Ugh.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Why do we love?
Why do we love? Can we even help it? We spend our whole lives searching for love, for the recognition in our soul that it has met it's counterpart, the grandest love of all. They say that that love is the best and the worst. But along the way, we fall in love over and over and over again. We do it even when it is wrong, like this odd feeling I have for a teacher who is also a friend and I know that if he was like 20 years younger there could have been something....We do it on the tiniest scale possible every moment of every day. But who is to say that that makes one love smaller or bigger. My love for my friend makes me hurt because she is hurt because her dog was just put to sleep. I can feel that echo, maybe because of my own memories of when a dog died, but maybe more so because I am a friend. But even my love cannot shield her from that pain. She and others have told me that I am a good friend but that is not true. Because if I was a good friend I would be there all the time for her and I am not. I get annoyed and aggravated with her, even though I love her...I am human. I am not a good friend. I am just me. That does not mean I am bad or good. I can't give my whole heart because I am human, I can't love anybody truly or wholy because I am human so that does not make me a good sister of friend or daughter. We love without meaning too, without wanting too, like how I love my friend Tie who is just unbearably sweet and calls me his pearl. I avoid them, I avoid that love and the love that I feel for my teacher. I even avoid the love I feel for my grandfather, my favorite person in the world, because when I start to truly love him he starts to slip away, or maybe he starts slipping away and that is when I truly love him. It hurts to love. There is that momentary pleasure as I watch Sophomore, a new crush of mine, fiddle with his hair, and for some reason that is enough to leave me sprawling. That one moment of joy kills, eventually. We cannot help but love, we must be insane because we just do it over and over again hoping that the outcome will be different but is it? Does our love change anything? Our hearts can heal but we will never be immune to love. Maybe that is when we are whole, when we have truly given ourselves away to another. I don't know. All I know is that my heart is full of tiny pinpricks where light shines through, is dripping with strings and knots to people I love and is just waiting to be covered in more. I will love.
Love through Sickness to Emptiness
I am sitting at home experiencing the curse of being female: cramps. There is seriously a small world war going on in my stomach. I ate nothing all of yesterday and could not stand up straight. I couldn't even drink. So for all you guys out there, when you think we gals have little pain tolerance, think again. You try spending more than 24 hours when your insides are beings twisted about and punched and pulled every which was while trying to stay civil. It doesn't happen.
Anyways, whenever I stay home sick, I always end up feeling rather lonely and contemplating love...even when I really REALLY should be doing homework. Because when you get sick, at least when I get sick, that is when I want to be missed. Of course I want to be missed all the time, but it gets kinda annoying if there is no real reason. My grandmother just passed out this week in a restaraunt. We spent the night arguing (my family) about her going to the hospital. She was sick and she had everyone around her and it made her angry. Will I be like that? When I am emotionally sick, I just want to be left alone, except for that one person who I am still looking for. I want that person to be there, but for everyone else I put on a brave face. I am so scared. Because when I start to give my heart away...the pain is enormous. A friend of mine is putting her dog to sleep tonight. Like that. You get complascent, and stop remembering how awesome it is to have a companion around until they are gone. Am I really so afraid of the end that I will miss out on the journey....sigh. Well I should do homework, postpone contemplating the journey. It hurts too much anways.
Anyways, whenever I stay home sick, I always end up feeling rather lonely and contemplating love...even when I really REALLY should be doing homework. Because when you get sick, at least when I get sick, that is when I want to be missed. Of course I want to be missed all the time, but it gets kinda annoying if there is no real reason. My grandmother just passed out this week in a restaraunt. We spent the night arguing (my family) about her going to the hospital. She was sick and she had everyone around her and it made her angry. Will I be like that? When I am emotionally sick, I just want to be left alone, except for that one person who I am still looking for. I want that person to be there, but for everyone else I put on a brave face. I am so scared. Because when I start to give my heart away...the pain is enormous. A friend of mine is putting her dog to sleep tonight. Like that. You get complascent, and stop remembering how awesome it is to have a companion around until they are gone. Am I really so afraid of the end that I will miss out on the journey....sigh. Well I should do homework, postpone contemplating the journey. It hurts too much anways.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
And Life Goes Marching on...
We lost.
We made it to state and *ahem* choked. I love field hockey. We deserved that win. We are better than anyone, really and truly, and we lost. My heart hurt so I just kept going, kept trekking because then I wouldn't remember but for five minutes before I turned off the light, I just was lying in bed staring and feeling my heart hurt, trying not to cry. Because, as my good friend says, "Sports hurt your heart". Field hockey is what I love most about school about life. I don't start, it's been a while since I have played, but it doesn't matter because I am part of a team. We have gotten up early to practice as the sun rises, we have stayed late. We practiced on weekends and ate breakfast together. And as we stood in that circle before we began our last warmup, we all cried because this is what the sport is about. I love field hockey.
We made it to state and *ahem* choked. I love field hockey. We deserved that win. We are better than anyone, really and truly, and we lost. My heart hurt so I just kept going, kept trekking because then I wouldn't remember but for five minutes before I turned off the light, I just was lying in bed staring and feeling my heart hurt, trying not to cry. Because, as my good friend says, "Sports hurt your heart". Field hockey is what I love most about school about life. I don't start, it's been a while since I have played, but it doesn't matter because I am part of a team. We have gotten up early to practice as the sun rises, we have stayed late. We practiced on weekends and ate breakfast together. And as we stood in that circle before we began our last warmup, we all cried because this is what the sport is about. I love field hockey.
In terms of love? Well. As always my brain says one thing, my heart ponders it for a second and then goes on and does whatever it wants. That means I still like Hebrew boy despite all the reasons I shouldn't. And I know he has a crush on someone else. I need to know because then whenever I decide that him glancing my way means he likes me, I can remind myself. We are friends though. We talk a lot on facebook but I don't have any classes with him. I think it would be easier if I did because the more I am around him, the less the aura of excitement stays around. I know he doesn't like me. The only reason I like him, I think, is because it's tradition and because there is no one else. I hope I start dating in college. I mean I haven't even had my first kiss! Or first date for that matter, haha. Ah well, waiting seems like the best way, instead of *ahem* forcing it.
I have applied to my first college. I have 7 more applications to do and tons of scholarships. Rehearsals for Fiddler on the Roof begin soon. I am Chava, the youngest of the three most important daughters. I can't wait because I get to sing a song lalalalala, although the acting part...haha, well I'll actually work on my character this year. And I get to fall in love with this kid who I just talked to for the first time yesterday. He is a sophmore. It's awkward to fall in love with someone you know, but generally worse when you know nothing about them. GOD I hope we don't have to kiss.
The perfect moments with your friends are the ones when you are laughing for a long time, starting out with it being funny and then continuing because you love laughing and your friends are laughing and you are just happy.
Friend drama is...abundant. Last year we had a huge group of friends and I was in charge along with Elizabeth and Jomama. We had tons of power, astonishingly, and tried to use it for good, but really, whose good? Ours. Well WWW had always been under jomama's thumb (not necessarily on purpose) and this year she left our school and I renounced my power out loud and Elizabeth...well I suppose she did too in a way. So WWW (wicked witch of the west) finally got the power she had never had and she craved from having an abusive mother, absent father and friends who got more attention and more say in everything that she did. And it's gone to her head. To be fair, how could it not? Anyways, she has two boys, Arrogant and Stupid, who worship the ground she walks on. Arrogant brings her things all the time but if she had to choose one it would probably be Stupid who she dated last year (he's not really stupid, he just doesn't think before he makes decisions. Arrogant really is arrogant). But she takes advantage of them and has converted Turtelina, usually very neutral, and started including her in the group. Anyways, they started uninviting Elizabeth from things and ended up losing a lot of their friends (at least temporarily). They were having a Halloween party and invited everyone but uninvited California Designer and Elizabeth, and everyone got mad. It ended up being just the four of them. I have been pretty vocal about how I feel about all the situations, although (hopefully) have not been taking part in too much of the drama. I don't know. Oh highschool. But I am pretty happy because all MY friends are confident and interesting and strong and independent and down to earth, which is nice cause I got so sick of people like Jomama and WWW who always need your validation. Bleh. Anyways, Life goes marching on....
(p.s. I might use different names for people. Mama's girl is WWW, slong is Turtelina etc. my bad)
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