Only a Character in High School

In the last three months I have....
Acted in Fiddler on the Roof, learning how to truly give myself to my character. I miss Chava sometimes. She was an astonishing person and I am often sad that I did relish the time that we had together. As her, I made people cry. I, me, a 17 year old girl, made people feel the pain of the person that I breathed life into. That is astonishing and probably the most beautiful thing that I have ever done.
I am going to try to act again. I am afraid. I never joined the musical to act, I suppose I kind of held my teacher in contempt. But, that feeling of being on stage, of channeling this person, was the most touching, worthwhile thing I have ever done.
After we finished, my heart was breaking.
It literally hurt.
I was depressed for days.
I still miss it.
So I am going to try again. Maybe the magic that I have always been searching for, that which will make my life a LIFE is within something that I never dreamed of.
I have often told one of my friends, Princess T, not to outline your life because often you cannot see where you are going from where you are standing. The things and people that change our lives are ones that we could never imagine. If we could, they would not make such a powerful impact on our lives.
That is not to say that that which we do love in this moment and set goals for is not important. It definitley is. It defines us in this moment. We simply do not have the power to do that for the future.
I have found the perfect analogy for highschool, something I came up with last night after living it:
Highschool is like driving down an icy road, snow falling, in a really light car with four people in the car. You drive on, one gets a call from a paranoid parent and falls silent. The next just falls silent, obviously bored with the drive. The other two, if you are lucky, (but probably just one) stay awake, laughing, giving you directions, prompting you to brake. During your time on the road, you pass cars that have turned over, horrific accidents, surrounded by police cars. You are terrified out of your mind and yet you keep going because there is nothing else that you can do. You try to pay attention to the signs, to avoid crashing head on with someone else's car and you just do the best that you can.
That is highschool.
I took a train to a college with two of my friends. We fantasized up one anothers lives. We all were blushing by the time we finished. None of us have ever had a real significant other, haha, and I know that I felt honored to think that other people out there believe that I am so worth the amazing person that they drew in the air next to me.
My high school career is coming to an end, but I try not to think about that. I can't. It terrifies me, just like the accident on the side of the road.
I think that one of my greatest fears is getting in a car accident.
This year I have created some real bonds. My friend group has fallen from 25 to 15 to about 5. Elizabeth and I have nothing to talk about. Beeks and I are tense and bitchy to eachother, she is more interested in the attention she gets. I get it, its hard to ignore that when you have become the miracle and people are finally SEEING you. I am sure I would be the same way. The only contact I have with Jomama is when she changes her status to "I miss my Kent friends" (And I yell at her for not doing anything. And she leaves). Slong, Jamin, Tech guy and Skinny Dancer are a quad and are very exclusive. I sometimes talk to Slong. She has finally found her voice. The others I never talk to. Vigi is just annoying and I can't really hang out with her until I tell her that I am sick of her taking monetary advantage of EVERYONE.
On the bright side, I truly admire and am happy with my friends. Leahdora is wicked critical and judgmental sometimes, but we generally find a balance. Corbear is just so sweet and understanding and awesome to talk to. Princess T is hilarious, we are always bickering but that is why we get along. We are eachothers adventures, so incredibly different. Liliana is a sweetheart, so passionate and I am glad that I have kind of reconnected with her. Tybean is just...amazing...and I love him so much (not in that way).
This year has brought on a lot of sadness and happiness. I don't make friends that easily, I guess my expectations are too high, but when I do choose someone, I (hope) am a great friend.
*Sigh*. Well, my CBT (bio) homework is calling....
Oh before I go, some other accomplishments:
I gave blood!!!! After that botched one on my bday and then leaving the day that they were doing it at school and being sick (although I've waited FOUR years to give blood at school), I finally did it. And felt fine!!! Can't wait to go back.
Last night I yelled at some guy who cut in front of me and Cory in line at the hockey game. I was like "DUDE! No, no. Bad. Go back in line" haha and Tyler and Cory were laughing at me at the same time as their mouths were gaping wide open. That sassiness finally came in handy!! I was so annoyed...there were like five people between him and us! Honestly! He was a big teenage dude two, with two diamond earrings...I might have ruined it by apologizing to him...I felt kinda bad....he seemed awfully embarrassed haha.
I decided not to meddle in Elizabeth and Brandog's life. And just in general. Brandog is too complicated and I wasn't listenign and Elizabeth is too complacent. If it will happen...it will happen. That was a huge step for me (it was also cause of kco, the guy who played fyedka, and kumphlett's (a freshman from the play who is HILARIOUS and who would play hand games with me to make me less nervous, although she is reall my sis' friend) and me being so attentive to their nonexistent relationship and dancing at Sadies...that is a story for another time haha.
Now. Really. I will do hw.
Back to high school....didn't ya miss me?