The Start of Something New!!!!

Well, dear bloggedy-boo, as I am sure you are somewhat aware, I will soon be jetting off into a new college life. This summer has not brought about many changes. I have been soaking up the summer sun, as always. For money I have been babysitting and cooking with my sister. I have been trying to prepare mentally for what is coming next, but, honestly, so much of it resides in the unknown that it is terribley difficult.
As for friends, these last two weeks have brought about a spurt of seeing people. The reality of leaving is right in front of my eyes, with friends jetting off this weekend!!! GAh!!!! In some ways it has been really good. As I am terribley anti-social in the summer, this realization has helped me put the pedal to the medal in terms of seeing the people I most care about.
At the moment, my biggest dilemma is a friend who never wants to stop seeing me. I am at the point where I would like to let her know that we need to stop seeing as much of one another. She is very clingey and, as I have come to realize this summer, sweet but not terribely interesting. This has put me in a spot as she keeps wanting to do something before she leaves for this trip or I leave or whatever. Now there are only a few days left of her being in Colorado and I am honestly unsure of whether or not I can stand anymore. I have spent more time with her this summer than I have with any other person. To hang out or not to hang out, that is my question!!!
Just yesterday I had an Indian food and Bollywood movie night with a friend. It was great and I am sure that she is one of the two people I will really want to keep in contact with as I move on in my life. As I dropped her off at her house, I realized that this would probably be the last time I would see her in the next few months and I grew very sad! Tonight a similar occurence took place. I went to a pool party and some many of the friends who are awesome people to hang out with but who I dont usually pursue. We swam and shot water guns at one another and laughed and laughed and laughed. I almost felt that not having seen them all summer helped with this, because I wasn't frusterated with this one's immaturity or that one's constant talking. It was just a good time. As some of my pals started to head off, I decided I would as well. My car ride suddenly seemed very lonely and I felt awfully melancholy. Is there something I have missed in not pursuing these friendships, or will they remain more sweet and untainted without being stale? I am unsure. I just felt a real longing for what I had left behind: childhood, it almost seemed. Being care free, laughing and having fun. It was a beautiful culmination of my time in high school and I hope will be a memory that will remain with me as I move on and begin to reflect more on how I spent those four years.
Cheers!

New Chapter

Well, I have officially graduated from Kent. As I am apt to do in the summertime, I have begun to realize just how much I disliked my high school. Nevertheless, I am also attempting to take the last couple of years in stride before I begin my new adventure in college. I have to say that I am incredibly excited about the school that I chose! It sometimes becomes quite difficult to just sit around here, knowing that when school starts my life will be so totally altered. My parents have been telling me for years that I am much more suited to college life. I have never been great at keeping in touch with friends either (the friends who are the closest to me are the ones who I know I will be able to connect with the easiest the next time that we meet) and the rush that people seem to feel with as the date for depature grows closer often seems shallow and superficial to me. I have spent the last month or so babysitting, getting to know my Grandmother because I am watering almost every two days, and just relaxing. Attempting to reorient myself for college life sometimes takes me away from where I am in the moment. I am trying to do that so that the shock of leaving home is not too horrible. I have also been trying to realter the way that I see the world around me. I am practicing shifting my focus from the way that others view me to the way that I see myself. Suddenly I am not spending half as much time worrying about what others are thinking or saying about what I am wearing or the way that I look. It is refreshing in a way and a nice new start. I have also begun cooking a lot. I am helping my sister with her cooking business, but also simply paging through recipe books and trying new things out. I absolutely love the summer time. I sleep so much better now without all the stress of highschool and I can't wait to see where my own feet will take me as I turn onto the next avenue!

Confrontations, contemplations and heart breaking

queen E
do u ever think about race?
Beeks
im assuming you mean skin color and not marathons...
haha and yes i do. i think about how stupid it is that people judge on that when its such a small part of our genome.
Queen E
why did u say that to have a tatoo as a basketball player u have to be big and black?
and what is with ur running joke about "black momma" and like shaniqua etc.
beeks
i know its a stereotype. and i know its judgemental. i guess i didnt mean black necessarily, but just not baby-faced like that guy was, because i though it looked weird. chris henderson on the nuggets is a skinny white guy and he's got a load of tattoos.
queen e
so why did u say black?
beeks
the running joke is... an inside joke. not sure where it started. just nicknames we came up with. not to be racist in any wayand i couldnt tell you. just wasnt thinking i suppose
Queen E
interesting inside joke/
do u ever wonder if that makes anyone uncomforatble?
beeks
honestly, i hadnt thought about it. it was a joke from a year or so ago and we tend not to use it anymore, except its still my name in i think 2 people's phone books. and im sure it does make people uncomfortable or upset. like im guessing you?and i apologize for that
Queen E
apologize for making me uncomfortable?
Beeks
well yea, since it got to the point that you wanted to bring it to my attention.
Queen E
its always made me uncomfortable
im just trying to get to a place where i can say that
and uncomfortable is not the best word. its more like wanting to actively pull off ur skin and throw it away. and then vomit.
Beeks
oh okay sweet. thats a nice visual/but really, i want you to be where you can say that to anyone too, but also to me. i want us to get back to the point where you kinda said whatever you were thinking, honestly, to me. and so then i can answer honestly back too.
Queen E
when did that even change
?
Beeks
i dont know. i just feel like we never speak/see each other. ever anymore
Queen E
i know/when it got to the point where it hurt too much to try to stay connected to u, i stopped
beeks
why did it hurt
Queen E
because, overall, it seemed like u were afraid of me
or at least what i stood/stand for
Beeks
i dont think ive ever been afraid. in awe maybe haha. we're both tough, but i think you have more courage to stand up out loud when its something truly important for what you believe ini stand up when its a little less serious i think.
queen E
no thats not what i mean
u entered a different social realm
and i am a reminder of how u used to be and who u used to hang out with
and i think ur desperatley trying to keep ur standing
so all those crazy stunts we used to pull arent cool now and if u acknowledged that u had once thought they were, ud just be giving the people (like desi and kat) who have seen through u from the start the inch they need
beeks
i think i dont care what my social standing is. i think that yes, i am self-conscious. but do you have any idea how much happier i would be to have things back to the way they were? how much better this year would have been for me?sure, i love that ive grown close with different people, and im very glad that i left old ones behind (aka spencer. jessie. etc.)
i love those crazy stunts. i miss doing that. maybe its because we havent gotten to hang, so i guess its brooke that sees it now, but sure. i like how some things have changed,but a lot of it? sucks. ive been hurt this year far more than last.
so please dont tell me how it seems like all i care about now is who im friends with and looking cool and that ive forgotten last year. because thats not true.
and wow. telling me that im trying to look cool for the sake of desi and kat? because they "know" me? that im a fake of some sort? ouch. that really hurts.
queen E
i just said i thought u were scared
because i remember that time when we were driving up to the hockey game
and u knew that making me sing would help me stop freaking out
and i was like wow.
but then the second u had to explain it to concussionB, u chickened out
beeks
chickened out? what? i said that you had an amazing singing voice. maybe it sounded like it because she was feeling really shitty so i got quiet. if there is anyone that i can totally be whoever i am with, its concussionB (and you). so i would never hold back because of that
queen E
u held back because she felt like crap.
why did she come! why didnt u tell me and corbear!!! why didnt u tell me tybeans was coming! why didnt u even try to find us!
i dont know beeks
i have all these times when i just had no idea what to think
and the only conclusion i came up with is that ur scared. i think ur hurting a hell of a lot and i think that scares u
too
Beeks
no. i did not say i held back. i say it may have sounded like it because i stopped talking because her head hurt and since i was sitting right next to her i didnt want to make noise.she came because the hockey team was important to her. she didnt know it was going to hurt.i had no idea tybeans was coming until i got in the car to go to your house and he was in the front seat. i didnt even want him to come. i didnt try to find you because you guys left to get food, we sat down, had seats saved, but didnt see you anywhere. and then the game started.and yea. i am hurting. a lot. these past couple weeks have sucked, for a lot of kinda superficial reasons but still. i got really hurt by a jerk who i dont think even knew that he was stepping on my heart and i couldnt even talk to you about it
so you read this. im going to go to sleep because i didnt sleep much last night. and im sorry for maybe being mean to you or whatever i did. im sorry. but please cut me a little slack. not much, because i know im to blame too. but just a little.

The Years Go By And We Only Get Colder....

I feel Ice Queen cold and its making me miserable. It's like a stupid vaccuum, sucking everything out of me, but I can't find the source. 

I saw ol' Green Eyes yesterday. I even knew I would. He stood across from me, kinda, at the basketball game versus my school and his. 

He kept looking over at me, even my sister noticed. 

(P.S. my sister is amazing, she bought me pickles! Best present thing ever! Spontaneous pickles!!)

I rolled my eyes at him, which he probably couldn't see, but all I wanted was for him to leave me alone, to stop looking at me. 

I think I like the attention, though. 

Maybe I feel threatened by him. 

What I want from him is that he is always around. 

Those 5 minutes wouldn't be enough, so I didn't even want a taste of it because it would only be too hard to crave it for such a long time afterwards. 

That is my only hypothesis. 

I am pretty sure I am not a cold person inherently. 

Although I did literally turn my back so he wouldn't see me/come over. He didn't. 

But why??!!!!! ARGH! Stupid teenage angst. What is wrong with me? With him? I want him to be a permanent fixture in my life, but do I actually want him?

You know, it took me about 3 years to finally be comfortable around TyBeans? Maybe I just feel threatened by guys. Maybe because I am so drawn in by them and just want to tell them everything. Maybe that means I have learned not to make such a fool of myself around them. 

Am I afraid to love? Do I just not love Green Eyes in anyway? I think its the first. Its just so scary...

This is my shoutout to my amazing lil sis, as well, who is turning 14 tomorrow. She is awesome and is growing into a funny, strong, good natured woman. Wow. Woman. My little baby sister!!!!

How the World Sees us

In high school, the world is...well, school. Generally. Ok, maybe just where I go to school. Anyways, I'm taking AP English with this amazing teacher who we shall just call Battman. Today, he was SO excited about going to a play with his Shakespeare seminar class that he just couldn't handle any work, so we just got to talk which is just SO nice. He started telling us a story about breaking up with a girl friend in high school. I asked him what "type" of person he was in highsschool and CPossehl asked which one of us he would be. He implied that he was the quiet type. I was curious as to whether he really knew what our "types" were and so I asked him and he said he wasn't really sure, that he could only guess. We wanted him to guess and he tried to, a little bit, but suggested instead that we all do one another. All this, of course, is in the chatty, 300 conversations at a time highschool classroom manner. I love that battman lets us be like that, so we can just say what we need to when we want to and, although I don't always hear everything, I generally feel like I learn so much. Maybe it is just my fast, wired teenage brain that craves such loud chaos.
Anyways, I wanted to kind of commemorate what we said about one another, cause I think it would be awesome to have in a couple years.
CProcknow: Jokingly, of course, a ginger, haha. Funny and awkward. Good natured. Friendly. Witty. Just generally a good guy. Pretty smart.
DODonnel: Mysterious, strong silent, kind of quiet, lots of memories came up, like about his 55 pg paper in 7th grade to review for the history exam, or when he was a scrawny kid in elementary school with big glasses as PWalker said.
SMyers: subtley inappropriate alot, funny, nice, "SMyers can be mean!" as HScott said
EArchibald: SO sarcastic, v. few things come out of his mouth that aren't sarcastic, 'has the one liners everybody wishes they had but don't"-PWalker, genuine about stuff he really loves (soccer), HScott told story about him in 7th grade when he said something saracastic about how cold it was and some girl kicked him in the balls
SWhite: V. Laid back (compared to KWhite), quiet, genuine, good natured, can be astonishingly driven and Battman mentioned how SWhite had been so driven and had walked in to the head of the English department's office and wanted to start a writing club. Battman said he thought, "See, that kid isnt as laid back as everyone thinks". He is pretty chill, not v. dominant in his classes haha (CPossehl).
HScott: Flustered easily (CPossehl), very Jocky, pretty driven, v. smart, "Asian" haha, she is definitleye the recipient of a lot of ribbing about that (she said she doesn't mind being called that because people think she is smarter than she actually is. She is half Chinese. This was interesting cause JLuo is first generation Chinese and no one calls her that, not really)
CBeaton: Artsy, angsty (CPossehl), you think she is quiet but then you get to know her and she is v. talkative, she is deceptively quiet.
JLuo: The MCooper of our grade. The Newspaper, A student, lots of energy, kind of deceptively quiet but when you talk to her she is just so bubbly (like KWhite). Lots of stuff we don't associate with her but that she does, like the funky Chinese instrument she plays and her ice skating.
Me: Passionate. "I feel like she's pretty fearless" CProcknow. "Capricious" said CPossehl and she said that one of the moments she remembers about me was sophomore year (actually junior year) when we were walking to science (chem) with EClark and someone else and I randomly started singing Annie, "Tomorrow" loudly. She was like "Oh, you have a really good voice" and I said thank you and kept on singing. PWalker said quiet and everyone was like WHAT WHAT are you talking about, "Well, see, I said quiet, but I really meant boisterous" haha. PWalker said his fav moment of me was in the musical when I just walked in and berated everyone. I was so red. (P.S. PWalker=Tevye).
OGerard: Golf. Straight A student. Preppy. Just very academic. Theater, a bit. General Ivy-Leaguer
CPossehl: Loud, passionate, opinionated. SWhite talked about how he was afraid to talk in sophomore English cause he thought she would just shoot him down haha and she was so embarrassed and kinda tried to apologize. This was funny cause she was later the one who told him he wasn't dominant in any of their classes and PWalker imitated her "You're not dominant because I'm Dominant!!!!". Confident. Very articulate and eloquent, Battman said that she was the only person who would come into his office and talk and talk and talk and talk and he would just be fascinated by everything she says. Knows her own mind.
PWalker: Hard to be pigeon holed =Battman. Associated with Speech and Debate even though he doesn't do it. Musical, jock (soccer), Model UN. Like this kid GSeigel from a couple years ago who had a huge ego but was just an annoying jerk, but PWalker is actually well known and well liked. Gets along with everyone. Loud.
We still have to do KWhite and TTran/Princess T, but I know what people will say about KWhite: jocky, very smart, so much energy, talks really really fast but has to think about it for a while, just good at EVERYTHING (art, sports, school), running.
I'm not sure what they'll say about TTran.
Anyways, this sounds more boring than the long discussion was, but there is a bit of a glimpse into life at my school and the niches the kids in AP English fill. Awesome excersize!

Everything is not as it seems....

The girl, Elizabeth, who I thought was so incredibly independent relies more on what people think than....well, most people that I have met. So much for being yourself.
Now Tybeans has a girlfriend. Which is great for him.
I am just so incredibly depressed and angry. And for some reason I just can't believe any of it.
I am mad at Elizabeth for blaming me for not taking her to Slumdog Millionaire although I had 33 hours of Fiddler that week. And was planning on setting up. Which I learned would have been a really bad idea. She is a perfectly rational, capable human being. Who knows how to drive. And I don't feel guilty. I just can't believe she is pinning her complacency on me.
Why am I not happy for Tybeans? He got everything he has wanted. And his girlfriend is a sweet, and pretty nice from what I know about her.
Today was such a lovely Sunday.
I drifted in and out of conciousness all day, sleeping, dreaming, waking and back again. Sat out side in the grey repressed feeling world that just soaked up all the sounds, even of my MP3 player. Did my homework and just moved as though I was not quite lucid yet. No contact with the outside world. Till now. I need more days like this. Goodbye sweet Sunday.

Important Convos...

On my acting:
Tybeans:
honestly your acting is the best out of all thge three
like i actualy hd that thought when yo guys were singing matchmaker today
you are the only one that has thought that this isnt just a song we are singing there is a reason to why you are singing it
you are really a talented actress
easily the strongest actress in the cast
nope honestly
haley has a role that has a ton of potential but she is shying away from it tay lor is just focusin to much on actions and not enough on motivation and caitlynn is trying to hard to be in love instead of being in love
youy actualy seem to understand your character more than any of the,
them*
hahaha to be a really good actor it takes a ton of preperation and time actualy
which i have not put enough into
but i dont know i dont think i have a true grasp of this show yet or what it is like i dont see what mr.ellis's image for this show really is
but it does show
and you are dojng an awesome job
like when i was atching matchmaker i
literly thought wow QueenE really can see her match in the broom
anbd no joke that is somethng that is pretty damn hard
and most of all you are able to pull of being in love with kevin which like you guys said is the most awkward couple ever
you have by far the most powerful scene
when you are begging tevye to recognize you
yeah it does
it works out very well
peter is a strong actor and you both do very well in that scene

Fyedka: i'm not just saying this cause ur saying it to me
but you hold ur own against Hodel and shes insanely good. i feel like ur just as good as she is
im being serious
that kinda sounded like a backward compliment
QueenE:
haha
Fyedka
but it was meant as a compliment
haha

Queen E:
i need to apologize
sry i was so nasty/cold to u at that...year off dealio {I was post-Fiddler depression. I had spent the Saturday night at the end of the show sad and crying with the cast. Mr E., our director, had abeautiful end speech and I was just bawling. I cried alot of Sunday. And then my eyes were so puffy on the Monday and I hadn't done any homework the week before. I cried alot of Monday night and just couldn't handle it anymore...I skipped Tuesday and Wednesday. Wednesday night I had this "year off" b/w college and high school thing that Ma wanted me to go to. I saw Green Eye's Dad there and just really really didn't want to deal with him....but then he showed up and...I was way way cold....He came to the play though!!!! I used guilt...bad...but it worked! And it meant a lot to me! Like I said, I've never been so proud of anything I've done before. )
Green Eyes
ok/apology accepted/um/right/glad we got that out of the way/so whats up?
QueenE
in the midst of a concious of race identity crisis
Queen E
its weird/u?
Green Eyes
I'm in the midst of an english paper/so not quite as significant as your dillema
Queen E
watcha writin about?
Green Eyes
Eliots Waste Land/lines 25-30 to be exact
Queen E
ummm....cool?!/have u ever heard of anyone named liliana/ok ok ok no scratch the above question
Green Eyes
lily lerner?/ummmm/i don't think so/maybe.../but i don't think so
Queen E
so if u found something like kind of really stereotypical/racist on someones facebook page who u know...and have interacted with....do u say something or do u let it go?
Green Eyes
probably say something/but its your decision
Queen E
no no no i need advice/so u would say something?
Green Eyes
i just gave you advice/the advice was
Queen E
but what if it was posted by someone else...who u have also met
Green Eyes
its your decision/so go with what you feel is right/which, knowing you, would probably mean saying something {I didn't end up saying anything. I realized that Green Eyes also has a kinda weird racial thing on his page...but that he didn't mean it maliciously...and that....I mean, was it any of my business? I don't know...I feel ok with my decision...I thought really hard about it}
Queen E
i know but....recently ive really been overreacting...especially to things about race...so.../haha/i mean ok so yeah maybe i always overreact/im just in a weird place right now {I had just yelled at Brandog for thinking that Lil Alyssa (the only other dark skinned girl in the cast) was my sister....she is native american...and looks nothing like me...and I've had it happen before but I just really, in bad form, flipped out at him}
Green Eyes
no no. it's your identity. I highly doubt you are overreacting you'd really have to be lying to yourself to over-react to something like that. That is, overreact more than usual =)
Queen E:
haha/its just all weird...cause...its that kid i played opposit in the play/and he has this bumper sticker that is like "niglet" which is like the black version of piglet holding kfc and watermelon
and im really offended...but his sister sent it to him...and...its kinda old so then im just really creepy/and i dont talk to him /argh/i dont know what to do /this is more than a little annoying
Green Eyes
understandably
Queen E
so god i know im sposed to like follow my heart or whatever but what do i do!!!!
Green Eyes
well, to be honest the best advice i could give is just /yeah/follow your hear or whatever/but if you want something more concrete than that/then I advise that you call him out. Do it in private if it makes it easier. you said you don't talk to him so what do you have to lose? Who cares if you seem creepy
Queen E:
ok /thanks
Green Eyes
sure/just do it/that's my advice
Queen E
thats solid advice
Green Eyes
tell the kid what an ignorant bastard he is
Queen E
but i mean, he's not... {I kinda had a crush...just a little one...on fyedka. he was sweet. WAY more touchy feely than me which was kinda odd...we had one really good hug at the end of the play...aww...haha...but im done, it was just fun while it lasted}
Green Eyes
the last part?
Queen E
it seems like he got it and then just forgot about it...
Green Eyes
thanks
Queen E
which is why i feel weird
Green Eyes
oh/well..../tell him anyways/ok well then you are doing a favor by reminding him
Queen E
is that what is cause i just feel bitchy and oversensitive!
Green Eyes
now, my real advice is 'follow your heart'/but since you didn't want that/...
Queen E
haha no thats good advice too/that just makes it harder/speaking of hearts/are u like 'involved' with anyone right now?
Green Eyes
who cares if sound bitchy?/really/i mean, is the rep more important?
Queen E
meh...i dont generally, but he put up with all my weirdness and was genuinely sweet all throughout the play
Green Eyes
sounds like a sweetie
Queen E
he says with contempt
Green Eyes
frankly, its his sister who you should talk to if you talk to anyone/but lets not get in to that
Queen E
i know...i even met her...but she doesnt go to kent...shes in college
Green Eyes
you are dificult./ya know that?/i know you do./but just thought i'd throw it out there
Queen E
yeah i do
Green Eyes
haha
Queen E
i mean i am like super cold to u even though i greet nicholi like my best friend/i know how incredibly odd i am /im still tryingt to figure me out
Green Eyes
haha/what a mystery you are!
Queen E
it was a bad night...
Green Eyes
what was?/tonight?
Queen E
no...that year off night...i was gonna try not to make excuses/so moving on
do u want to meet liliana? shes really cool/ive always wanted to set u up with one of my friends/haha, how weird is that
Green Eyes
sure
Queen E
ok/nifty/princess t doesnt think u two will click/ok wow im gonna just stop taling haha/anyways...../hows ur paper?
Green Eyes
princess t doesn't think we'll click?/maybe that's because princess t and I don't click
Queen E
awww...
Green Eyes
no i'm just saying
Queen E
haha that might be true actually /liliana is like one of the most passionate people i know /and i guess she just reminded me of u {so much for my not meddling eh? but i didnt ever do it...}
Green Eyes
hee/well she sounds cool/I'd love to meet her.
Queen E
haha ok. this is so odd haha/oh/and now my friend cali fish girl wants to meet u/but im not subjecting u to that
Green Eyes
I'd love to meet cali fish girl too
Queen E
umm...well...are u in sports or something this next season?
Green Eyes
oh
Queen E
no no u really dont, alot of the time i really dont want to meet cali fish girl
Green Eyes
hahahaha/yeah... um/then no/i would not love to meet cali fish girl/and yes/i am in frisbee
Queen E
yes to sports?/no way!/
Green Eyes
but as a third tri senior
Queen E
meaning...u dont take it seriously?
Green Eyes
yes way/yes/i mean, if i wanted something serious i'd do lax/then again, i probably wouldn't take that seriously either
Queen E
did u ever start doing yoga?
Green Eyes
nope/i did racquetball instead/great fun
Queen E
haha /thats awesome/oh oh wait are u going to the bball game tmrw?
b/c my school and yours?
Green eyes
hm?/oh/um/probably not
Queen E
b/w not b/w/ok /thats good /haha nvmd
Green Eyes
where is it?
Queen E
my school
Green Eyes
oh/what time?
Queen E
um it doesnt matter?/i mean its at 7-9 /but theres not pt/*no
Green Eyes
care to elaborate or prefer to stay elusive as usual??
Queen E
my elaborations are usually rambly and annoying, elusiveness is so much more tidy
Green Eyes
and annoying
Queen E
sassy1/*!/i was going to spontaneously plan a meeting for u and liliana...but she is a crazy volunteering fool...im donating blood and princess t would probably be stuck in bed
and liliana and i are really behind on work.../so the planning and the explanation were void
Green Eyes
there
Queen E
yes it was
Green Eyes
not so painful was it?/and here! you get a sticker!
Queen E
u know sometimes i think ur the nicest person i know
Green Eyes
but then other times.../=)
Queen E
and then other times i think urthe only one who is brave enough to be condescending and patronizing to me
Green Eyes
you're certain of it
Queen E
haha
Green Eyes
hahaha
Queen E
ur a v. interesting person
Green Eyes
thank you?/thank you./you're no bore yourself
Queen E
have u seen the movie charlie bartlett?
Green Eyes
not for a few days/(no)
Queen E
haha what? ok /dude guess who i saw the other day
Green Eyes
captain planet.
Queen E
how do u do that reading mind thing?/wtf NO/tap dancer from stanley kid/member him?
Green Eyes
clairvoyance
Queen E
u should become a professional
Green Eyes
yeah/how is he?/a professional what?
Queen E
a professional clairvoyant/i think he's good? i was at the college he goes to /he seems pretty happy
Green Eyes
i don't think there is high demand for those right now
Queen E
really? dont u think people would love to be told what to do? what their "fate" is?
Green Eyes
haha/who knows/oh wait!/i do!
Queen E
haha wow
Green Eyes
wait wait!/I am beginning to see the future!/yes!... its becoming clearer!
Queen E
oh wow! tell me oh wise one what u see!!
Green Eyes
I.../I... I am going to sign off in a few seconds!
Queen E
no way!
Green Eyes
clairvoyance.
Queen E
amazing thing./well thanks /for/um/being u?/haha/ill ttul

(I'm sure this seems like drivel...it definitley does to me but I figure maybe I'll actually treasure this...its a record of how Green Eyes is...what we talk about...our lives...the slang etc...its a time capsule in itself)
P.S. I ate tamarind candy today. I felt like I was consuming a smoker. Disgusting. Don't do that again.
Love,
Queen E

Only a Character in High School

In the last three months I have....
Acted in Fiddler on the Roof, learning how to truly give myself to my character. I miss Chava sometimes. She was an astonishing person and I am often sad that I did relish the time that we had together. As her, I made people cry. I, me, a 17 year old girl, made people feel the pain of the person that I breathed life into. That is astonishing and probably the most beautiful thing that I have ever done.
I am going to try to act again. I am afraid. I never joined the musical to act, I suppose I kind of held my teacher in contempt. But, that feeling of being on stage, of channeling this person, was the most touching, worthwhile thing I have ever done.
After we finished, my heart was breaking.
It literally hurt.
I was depressed for days.
I still miss it.
So I am going to try again. Maybe the magic that I have always been searching for, that which will make my life a LIFE is within something that I never dreamed of.
I have often told one of my friends, Princess T, not to outline your life because often you cannot see where you are going from where you are standing. The things and people that change our lives are ones that we could never imagine. If we could, they would not make such a powerful impact on our lives.
That is not to say that that which we do love in this moment and set goals for is not important. It definitley is. It defines us in this moment. We simply do not have the power to do that for the future.
I have found the perfect analogy for highschool, something I came up with last night after living it:
Highschool is like driving down an icy road, snow falling, in a really light car with four people in the car. You drive on, one gets a call from a paranoid parent and falls silent. The next just falls silent, obviously bored with the drive. The other two, if you are lucky, (but probably just one) stay awake, laughing, giving you directions, prompting you to brake. During your time on the road, you pass cars that have turned over, horrific accidents, surrounded by police cars. You are terrified out of your mind and yet you keep going because there is nothing else that you can do. You try to pay attention to the signs, to avoid crashing head on with someone else's car and you just do the best that you can.
That is highschool.
I took a train to a college with two of my friends. We fantasized up one anothers lives. We all were blushing by the time we finished. None of us have ever had a real significant other, haha, and I know that I felt honored to think that other people out there believe that I am so worth the amazing person that they drew in the air next to me.
My high school career is coming to an end, but I try not to think about that. I can't. It terrifies me, just like the accident on the side of the road.
I think that one of my greatest fears is getting in a car accident.
This year I have created some real bonds. My friend group has fallen from 25 to 15 to about 5. Elizabeth and I have nothing to talk about. Beeks and I are tense and bitchy to eachother, she is more interested in the attention she gets. I get it, its hard to ignore that when you have become the miracle and people are finally SEEING you. I am sure I would be the same way. The only contact I have with Jomama is when she changes her status to "I miss my Kent friends" (And I yell at her for not doing anything. And she leaves). Slong, Jamin, Tech guy and Skinny Dancer are a quad and are very exclusive. I sometimes talk to Slong. She has finally found her voice. The others I never talk to. Vigi is just annoying and I can't really hang out with her until I tell her that I am sick of her taking monetary advantage of EVERYONE.
On the bright side, I truly admire and am happy with my friends. Leahdora is wicked critical and judgmental sometimes, but we generally find a balance. Corbear is just so sweet and understanding and awesome to talk to. Princess T is hilarious, we are always bickering but that is why we get along. We are eachothers adventures, so incredibly different. Liliana is a sweetheart, so passionate and I am glad that I have kind of reconnected with her. Tybean is just...amazing...and I love him so much (not in that way).
This year has brought on a lot of sadness and happiness. I don't make friends that easily, I guess my expectations are too high, but when I do choose someone, I (hope) am a great friend.
*Sigh*. Well, my CBT (bio) homework is calling....
Oh before I go, some other accomplishments:
I gave blood!!!! After that botched one on my bday and then leaving the day that they were doing it at school and being sick (although I've waited FOUR years to give blood at school), I finally did it. And felt fine!!! Can't wait to go back.
Last night I yelled at some guy who cut in front of me and Cory in line at the hockey game. I was like "DUDE! No, no. Bad. Go back in line" haha and Tyler and Cory were laughing at me at the same time as their mouths were gaping wide open. That sassiness finally came in handy!! I was so annoyed...there were like five people between him and us! Honestly! He was a big teenage dude two, with two diamond earrings...I might have ruined it by apologizing to him...I felt kinda bad....he seemed awfully embarrassed haha.
I decided not to meddle in Elizabeth and Brandog's life. And just in general. Brandog is too complicated and I wasn't listenign and Elizabeth is too complacent. If it will happen...it will happen. That was a huge step for me (it was also cause of kco, the guy who played fyedka, and kumphlett's (a freshman from the play who is HILARIOUS and who would play hand games with me to make me less nervous, although she is reall my sis' friend) and me being so attentive to their nonexistent relationship and dancing at Sadies...that is a story for another time haha.
Now. Really. I will do hw.
Back to high school....didn't ya miss me?