Or there was this guy. Four years ago. But...we were like best friends. Not the best friends of calling every night. We will call him the Green Eyed Demon. The best friends of just being there and seeing the others worst moments. I guess I kinda expected that the two would mix. He...his fault was a bad memory. I would invite him to things (I was always initiating it) and he would call me five minutes before whatever it was started and would tell me that he had forgotten, he had community service, or he had lacrosse practice. So...I did the worst thing I have ever done. I simultaneously told him I might be in love with him and that I didn't want him to talk to me anymore. And I didn't hear from him for a while. Then he wanted to talk cause he said things were getting bad. I called him and he told me to get on AIM then blew me off. He just left. There is much more to the story. I just still miss him.
I decided a bit ago that I couldn't spend all my time thinking about him. He is not here in this moment and there are other people who are. I cannot wallow.
I still miss him.
I don't know what love is. I haven't lived very far. I can only guess based on what I've heard and read and seen. So why would I have thought I was in love with him? I got butterflies whenever I talked to him. I could always sense when he was around. I loved being with him more than anything in the world. I miss him after 8 months of fights and anger and hurt and not seeing him. I would do just about anything for him. He treats me as an equal. When things happen, I want to share them with him. I have never cried so much for someone.
Reasons I think I don't love him: I get butterflies in my stomach. I don't feel like I am ME. I feel shy and quiet and that is NOT me. I sometimes felt a bit used by him. I felt like I got too obsessed with him.
So this is where I stand. Trying not to think about him. But man I still miss him like hell. I don't know where to go, up or down, from here. But I guess sometimes direction doesn't matter unless you know where you want to go...
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