What others say about yours truly...inspired by stupid green eyes

Beeks: i would say you havent necessarily become stronger/righteous (i dont know if thats the right word though...)
youve just become more vocal about it
youve been a tough kid for a while. its not something you become. its something you are
ew no green eyes is dumb
yay for you for not backing down!you rock
i think its awesome anyways
i respect you more when youre honest rather than say what i want to hear
Vig:
yes quite
a bit
wait actually no not really
well i feel that you are still really sheltered. no offense. but i also think you have changed in the fact that you arent as quick to judge people
like you dont immediately judge someone, you get to know them before you form an opinion.

Tybean: yes and no
yso helpful riight?
what i mean is
that you have changed but it is nopt anything huge but different parts of you have grown more predominant but you have become more i dont know i guess pensive and thoughtful
buyt when you do break the silence you will speak your mind completely and tell the blunt truth the sad thing is that most people you hang around are to pathetic to be able to handle the truthyeah cus like i dont know i've seen you do it a before where you will be upset with someone about something but decide that they vcan make their own choices but when they keep on doing the same stupid shit you call them out on it

What is normal?

Dear Green Eyes,
I was just living, like always, moving from thing to thing. I felt a little twinge in that pocket of emotions that I think we call a heart: I missed you. I'm never really sure how the emotion goes with the thought, but whatever.
Of course, to an extent, I wear my heart on my sleeve. But tonight even I was suprised by myself (P.s. I am E)
E:even as im missing a used to be best friend who i thought i was in love with but am not afraid to call and be alone with/haha/but it could be worse, i could be dying from an uncurable never before seen disease right?
T:right.../well i think u should...i not sure...talk to green eyes?
E: i know
T: im not sure what this means and i jsut remembered it, but i thought i'd tell u and see what you thought. a long time ago, before u guy started talking again green eyes said things had changed between you guys, and something about how u had changed/like...im not sure how to put it
E: just say it, remember, im ice queen, no feelings
T: maybe he said something like too "righteous??" or too strong?/i didn't really understand
E:it figures/honestly, how long ago was that?
T: oh when we saw him at sat 2s actually/ya i remember b/c i was like we should hang out w/ E but he said something like that
E: T why are u telling me this?
T: b/c i realized that i should no longer be encouraging u to pursue Green Eyes/nor should i discourage but i thought u should know...was i wrong to?
E: no, although ill admit it stings a bit
T: yeah im sorry but i wanted to be honest w/ u/and i thought it was important for u to kno
E: well maybe he's right/ive been thinking a bit about that lately/but i think a lot of it is show anyways/idk/what do u think?
T: what do u mean "a lot of it is show anyways?"/well i think that being headstrong is admirable, but i can get overdone/i mean i dont htink ur always heastrong or w/e
E: haha im not offended/i suppose im just trying to find a balance, like everyone else/i mean i think the E Green Eyes remembers was the one who was afraid of hurting peoples feelings, who was always trying to make people feel happy/all i know, is that i have always been afraid of getting hurt, and...i dont know, i got so sick of secrets and of trying to please everyone and to try not to hurt anyone's feelings that i felt like i was losing myself...its become so much easier to say what i think, to just put me out there/and im sure im headstrong, cause i often take it too far because im still just as scared of being hurt, of letting people get too close? i dont know
T: well u can't avoid not getting hurt/and i kno u r sick of secrets, but...that's kindof the way life works
E:but it doesnt have to
T: its good to keep some secrets to urself i mean do u want the hwole kent community really knowing who u truly are? i would feel exposed
E: i mean, a secret is just like pretending something that happened or some emotion that exists doesn't, why do u have to pretend/no, but i dont tell everyone my secrets/but if i think that u are being annoying, who does it hurt if i dont tell you? it hurts me, and you, because im pretending that i dont hurt you, im not trusting and respecting you enough to tell you that/like with rich girl?
T: no it's not, its just shielding ur secret away from people and keeping it to urself/well yeah i mean i've learned to take it from you, but it does hurt sometimes. i think u hurt mroe by telling than by not/like i think rich girl is annoying but at times she can be really sweet and i try to ignore when she is annoying, but if it goes overboard, i get snappish with her/i tell her in the way i act rather than straight out/it's just..im not sure? courteousy?
E: dont u get sick of trying to decipher how people are acting? like in mean girls, when that one girl is like "oh i love ur bracelet" and turns around and says that it is so ugly/how is that being gracious? its not like u have to comment on the hideousness of the bracelet, but why lie?
T: that's different. i mean to use that metaphor, it's like going up to me and saying "you're not being annoying" when i am being annoying but to ignore it is different/like the bracelet, if u don't like it, then don't comment
E:so if i see u doing something stupid i am supposed to ignore it?
T: well what is stupid? like standing up in assembly and making a fool of myself or dancing around w/o my clothes?
E: i dont know?/i dont know T, i just got sick of pretending. which is probably why my closest friends are the ones who just tell me what they think right out/because i know that they respect me enough/and i wish that michael had just told me that
T: yeah well some people just can't do that
E: and then u wouldnt have had to, but did u notice, that u told me the truth because u respect me? cause u thought that it was the right thing to do?
T: i dont think it shows anything really
E: i mean its kinda weird that u would tell me i was in love with michael while still knowing that though...
T: yea i was like "oh shoot i should not tell her that anymore and here is why"/well that's also very different b/c this is about michael, not me. like i wouldn't tell u straight out if u were being annoying
E:but then if u happened to tell someone else, say becky, they would probably mention it/and i would be all hurt and mad at you even though u wouldnt even know i knew/thats SO complicated
T:well we're girls we have feelings/but the thing is, i wouldn't tell anyone else/at least i wouldn't tell them what i didn't want u to kno/it's much easier to be told indirectly than straight from the source, at least thats what i think
E: sure its easier, but, me, i dont really trust that person very much anymore/maybe im making excuses, but last year, jomama and elizabeth and i held together a group of at least 10 people/and you would be suprised how many dark secrets came out, how much drama there was on top of all the normal teen stuff/and so, as someone who knew everything, i could not mentally hold in ALL those secrets. i didnt have the time or the energy to be everybody's messenger/i couldnt be the middle person because i would get blamed and start more drama. so i try to be responsible for me myself and i/i cant go through all that other stuff, its too exhausting and it ruins people, it rips you up. i still keep the secrets, all those dark ones and one of those weighs 20 times me keeping the secret of how i actually feel about someone/and maybe thats an excuse, but it is also very true, i think, because before last year, i was like you, i didnt want to hurt anyone, i wanted to make sure no one was offended. but there is ALWAYS someone who u will offend, who will be hurt and you will die trying if you try to please everybody. i dont want to live my life like that
T:well i agree. i mean i can't please everybody and i've stopped trying to/but whats so bad about the secrets? i think ur only letting it hurt u b/c isn't ur job just to listen?/i mean if its not ur secret, ur just there to help/although i don't know how dark ur secrets are.../but if i told u someone was annoying, would that really bother u?/and weigh u down?
E: if u heard from 10 people in a day, and then heard about who they liked, and then about their deepest darkest secrets, which one would u choose to keep/i tried SO hard T, to do it almost all on my own, even keeping things from jomama (although i told elizabeth almost everything) but i broke down too many times/i mean, i didnt have that ONE person i could tell everything, i had 10 children to take care of who treated eachother and themselves like crap. and i spent the whole year wishing i could have kept every secret, cause i know people felt betrayed, but that one person i looked for, that was Green Eyes, and sure it was probably partially my fault he wasn't around, but i had to go it on my own
T:well then i dont htink u chose to please the right people. i mean true, u can't please everyone but u can please the people u like/well u know what, those ten children are damn lucky u were listening b/c u shouldn't be the one to clean up their mess. i mean what were u getting in return for it?
E: i was their friend, i didnt want anymore, and u know i loved hearing everything and having all that power
T:well then why are u complaining about hearing it?/and u do have power, but really, it's their fault if u told b/c they trusted u in the first place
E: im not complaining about hearing it, all im saying is that one 16 year old CANNOT handle that. at least i couldnt, and maybe that means i failed, but thats why i am how i am toay/*today/ and its like u said, its one thing trusting someone with a deep dark secret, or even who u like, but telling me that ur annoyed with someone and then not to tell...yeah, thats not likely
T:oh...well idk i miss parts of the old E too...whoever that is/yeah well first u have to ask urself why they were telling u their secrets?/did they want help or jsut someone to lsten?
E:i dont know T, im glad its over/i think it was more like i was supposed to choose sides/because, if you had me, you had elizabeth and jomama and then basically you had won, whatever the stupid problem was/im sry u miss the old E, i do too, sometimes
T: well that's what hs is i guess/well don't apologize to me it doesn't matter what anyone thnks but u
E: haha thanks/but i mean what do u miss? just that i would watch my mouth?
T: maybe.../i miss the E that couldn't keep a secret. haha she was great
E:that couldn't keep a secret?/oh my gosh do u remember when for like almost all of sophomore year i was annoyed with u?/but i was too scared to tell u?
T: yeah/well i knew
E: haha, wasnt it annoying that i just didnt tell you/wait, you are glad i COULDNT keep a secret
T: not really i knew anyone so why should u tell me? if u told me it'd be like u were demanding that i change/well ok i miss the E that was quieter, more giggly and liked to gossip/why were u annoyed w/ me again?/well idk haha ur going to hate me for using this but i miss the E who doesn't fit the stereotype of a feminist...i kinda already told u that lol but u took it the wrong way
E: haha/what the strong, blunt part, or the activist part?/i mean i know that culturally its bad to be a crazy feminist, but i mean being a feminist means u believe in equal rights for men and women
T: i kno we looked i up/it*
E: and the quiet part?...thats never been me, i was just always too afraid to talk and then my mom gave me this quote that said "Speak your mind even when ur voice shakes"
T: yeah strong, blunt, loud, in my face
E: HAHA/and yet we talk almost as much as we did freshman year?

*in a whisper* is that how you feel? Felt? Think? That I changed? And, *shouting* you dumbass, how is it a bad thing that I found my voice? That I'm not so scared, ok, so maybe I am, but that I show it in a different? How is it bad that you don't have to pry my lips open to get me to tell you why you hurt my feelings? Do you know how HARD it has been to get to this point?
*whisper* but why wouldn't you tell me that? Is that why we don't talk anymore? Do you remember when, at this exact time of year, you sent me an email, asking me for helping, telling me that you were afraid that things would never be normal again? Did life ever become normal for you? Because it didn't for me? You just learn to live with the pain, you put a harder shell around yourself, because even if you didn't love your best friend, you sure as hell cared a whole lot for him. But telling him you loved him...well that split you apart, didn't it, before different interests and schools and beliefs could...would it have been different? Would you still be best friends with me? Would you still come to me when you needed help? Would you have not zoned out when I was talking that one day when we finally hung out after almost a year of not talking? Would I have learned to say what I felt and what I thought without needing the help of a computer?
Because I am callous now. It's like I said, ice queen. Nothing really touches me. Sure, I get offended, and I get mad, but thats not a feeling. I'm just caught up with the need to win. I don't feel much. I hang around with blunt people who tell it like it is because it is nice to know they aren't hiding anything from me and that I don't have to watch my words around them and I LIKE that. I am naturally dramatic, so weaving complicated webs is so easy for me and for the first time in what seems like a long time, I don't have to do that. But where is that E? Where is she?
I stared at myself in the mirror, because I only let myself cry, really cry, in the bathroom, where the sound of the running bathwater drowns out the sound of my sobs, pretending I was talking to you. And my eyes are so hurt. I am still so hurt. I didn't stop caring about you, I just learned to ignore it. I miss you so much.
So what do I do now? It probably won't ever be the same...not us talking for hours on AIM or running around the mall, always getting ice cream. But I wish...I wish I knew what you thought of me. Do I text you or do I just keep walking? I didn't thing I would have to walk away again...it'll hurt just as much as the first time. I miss that strong E who didn't second guess herself so much, who wasn't afraid that you would ignore me, Green Eyes, just like you seem to...or you get distracted and forget...I could do it right now, text you, call you, email you, something, but if you didn't respond...well, my heart is beating again and I know it would feel that. Besides,*sigh*, it's almost Thanksgiving. I really really miss you.

Everything...

What if you got everything that you wanted? Sounds great, right? Wrong. I have everything. I get along with my family, I am a happy, confident person who is not dying slowly from some uncurable disease, I have a great part in the Musical, I get along with everyone I know (to some extent), I was on the varsity field hockey team, I have been accepted into one school, I love my classes....But the amount of work that I have...I can't even enjoy any of it because I am either rushing to complete the next thing or I am asleep, dead tired. I have amazing friends who trust me explicitly: I have to write their evaluations, which is a great honor. I love my anthropology course: have to complete 6-7 hours of field study and field notes, a 15 page ethnography and a presentation for my class. I am smart enough to go to any college and vain enough to care about whether I am happy or not: I have five more applications to do, interviews to complete etc. I love my english class: I have a 15 page paper to do. I love my math class: have to retake a test...blah blah blah, I know, not interesting. I suppose I am just so tired and this list of things to do (learn my lines for the play, clean my entire room) is making me feel like I am being crushed. Sigh. I'll get over it. I just wish that this Thanksgiving Break could be more about my family and fun than about all the work I have to do. It's not like I don't work my ass off. I mean, this is my last Thanksgiving when I am officially living at home. Kinda sad, isn't it? Rush, rush, rush and I don't even know where I am going. Oy vey, no matters, haha, I'll get back to it! Happy Thanksgiving!

Riddle Me This...

How do you measure the gap between how you view yourself and how the world views you?
Why does your heart speed up when a conversation is begun with an old flame?
Why is it that there is never enough time to think?
How do we make our minds numb to the incredible power that it contains?
How is it that sometimes the feeling of taking a deep, deep breath reminds us that we are human even though we breath in and out unthinkingly, continuously throughout our lives?
How do you unleash the powers of your mind on a world that is so afraid to hear?
How do you smile at the kid in the next car who is smiling at you?
Is it worth it to rate beauty?
How do you reach out, across that great divide, to feel the hand of another person?
Why is it that we feel the need to prove ourselves over and over and over and over again?
Why do we mold our personalities to those of who we love because the difference is just too painful?
When do we stop seeing and start just knowing?
Is it possible to curl up so deep within yourself that you lose everything from the outer world?
Why? Why? Why?

Overthinking...

So theres this kid...with a rotten reputation...who has caught my eye...maybe because I feel that I might have caught his eye in the metaphorical and literal sense...and I don't like him like that...but I must admit, I'm curious. I suppose watching him makes it worse, but I'm trying to figure him out. It's only been two days since I started wondering about this and I bet that the idea is premature and based on castles in the air (although I don't know if it's something I actually was wishing for...maybe just more the being noticed part) but it's still there and will probably not go away for a couple of days. Why? A lot of eye contact...has said my name more than normal...brushing up against me although there was a lot of room for him to manuever without touching me...but then again, this is kind of just...well, let's call him Tevye.
So I got into college...with a merit based scholarship of 16,000 and an offer to earn 8,000 more...and I haven't even applied for aid yet!!!!!! It's just cause I'm amazing. It makes me feel special in a way and awesome but also so boxed in. I have 7 schools to still write my applications for and I am not sure that this is the one...but it is so much money, I could possibly earn almost a full rid if I got the 8,000 dollars and the financial aid...which would be amazing because I really don't want to burden me or my parents with loans...Ugh.

Why do we love?

Why do we love? Can we even help it? We spend our whole lives searching for love, for the recognition in our soul that it has met it's counterpart, the grandest love of all. They say that that love is the best and the worst. But along the way, we fall in love over and over and over again. We do it even when it is wrong, like this odd feeling I have for a teacher who is also a friend and I know that if he was like 20 years younger there could have been something....We do it on the tiniest scale possible every moment of every day. But who is to say that that makes one love smaller or bigger. My love for my friend makes me hurt because she is hurt because her dog was just put to sleep. I can feel that echo, maybe because of my own memories of when a dog died, but maybe more so because I am a friend. But even my love cannot shield her from that pain. She and others have told me that I am a good friend but that is not true. Because if I was a good friend I would be there all the time for her and I am not. I get annoyed and aggravated with her, even though I love her...I am human. I am not a good friend. I am just me. That does not mean I am bad or good. I can't give my whole heart because I am human, I can't love anybody truly or wholy because I am human so that does not make me a good sister of friend or daughter. We love without meaning too, without wanting too, like how I love my friend Tie who is just unbearably sweet and calls me his pearl. I avoid them, I avoid that love and the love that I feel for my teacher. I even avoid the love I feel for my grandfather, my favorite person in the world, because when I start to truly love him he starts to slip away, or maybe he starts slipping away and that is when I truly love him. It hurts to love. There is that momentary pleasure as I watch Sophomore, a new crush of mine, fiddle with his hair, and for some reason that is enough to leave me sprawling. That one moment of joy kills, eventually. We cannot help but love, we must be insane because we just do it over and over again hoping that the outcome will be different but is it? Does our love change anything? Our hearts can heal but we will never be immune to love. Maybe that is when we are whole, when we have truly given ourselves away to another. I don't know. All I know is that my heart is full of tiny pinpricks where light shines through, is dripping with strings and knots to people I love and is just waiting to be covered in more. I will love.

Love through Sickness to Emptiness

I am sitting at home experiencing the curse of being female: cramps. There is seriously a small world war going on in my stomach. I ate nothing all of yesterday and could not stand up straight. I couldn't even drink. So for all you guys out there, when you think we gals have little pain tolerance, think again. You try spending more than 24 hours when your insides are beings twisted about and punched and pulled every which was while trying to stay civil. It doesn't happen.
Anyways, whenever I stay home sick, I always end up feeling rather lonely and contemplating love...even when I really REALLY should be doing homework. Because when you get sick, at least when I get sick, that is when I want to be missed. Of course I want to be missed all the time, but it gets kinda annoying if there is no real reason. My grandmother just passed out this week in a restaraunt. We spent the night arguing (my family) about her going to the hospital. She was sick and she had everyone around her and it made her angry. Will I be like that? When I am emotionally sick, I just want to be left alone, except for that one person who I am still looking for. I want that person to be there, but for everyone else I put on a brave face. I am so scared. Because when I start to give my heart away...the pain is enormous. A friend of mine is putting her dog to sleep tonight. Like that. You get complascent, and stop remembering how awesome it is to have a companion around until they are gone. Am I really so afraid of the end that I will miss out on the journey....sigh. Well I should do homework, postpone contemplating the journey. It hurts too much anways.

And Life Goes Marching on...

We lost.
We made it to state and *ahem* choked. I love field hockey. We deserved that win. We are better than anyone, really and truly, and we lost. My heart hurt so I just kept going, kept trekking because then I wouldn't remember but for five minutes before I turned off the light, I just was lying in bed staring and feeling my heart hurt, trying not to cry. Because, as my good friend says, "Sports hurt your heart". Field hockey is what I love most about school about life. I don't start, it's been a while since I have played, but it doesn't matter because I am part of a team. We have gotten up early to practice as the sun rises, we have stayed late. We practiced on weekends and ate breakfast together. And as we stood in that circle before we began our last warmup, we all cried because this is what the sport is about. I love field hockey.

In terms of love? Well. As always my brain says one thing, my heart ponders it for a second and then goes on and does whatever it wants. That means I still like Hebrew boy despite all the reasons I shouldn't. And I know he has a crush on someone else. I need to know because then whenever I decide that him glancing my way means he likes me, I can remind myself. We are friends though. We talk a lot on facebook but I don't have any classes with him. I think it would be easier if I did because the more I am around him, the less the aura of excitement stays around. I know he doesn't like me. The only reason I like him, I think, is because it's tradition and because there is no one else. I hope I start dating in college. I mean I haven't even had my first kiss! Or first date for that matter, haha. Ah well, waiting seems like the best way, instead of *ahem* forcing it.

I have applied to my first college. I have 7 more applications to do and tons of scholarships. Rehearsals for Fiddler on the Roof begin soon. I am Chava, the youngest of the three most important daughters. I can't wait because I get to sing a song lalalalala, although the acting part...haha, well I'll actually work on my character this year. And I get to fall in love with this kid who I just talked to for the first time yesterday. He is a sophmore. It's awkward to fall in love with someone you know, but generally worse when you know nothing about them. GOD I hope we don't have to kiss.

The perfect moments with your friends are the ones when you are laughing for a long time, starting out with it being funny and then continuing because you love laughing and your friends are laughing and you are just happy.

Friend drama is...abundant. Last year we had a huge group of friends and I was in charge along with Elizabeth and Jomama. We had tons of power, astonishingly, and tried to use it for good, but really, whose good? Ours. Well WWW had always been under jomama's thumb (not necessarily on purpose) and this year she left our school and I renounced my power out loud and Elizabeth...well I suppose she did too in a way. So WWW (wicked witch of the west) finally got the power she had never had and she craved from having an abusive mother, absent father and friends who got more attention and more say in everything that she did. And it's gone to her head. To be fair, how could it not? Anyways, she has two boys, Arrogant and Stupid, who worship the ground she walks on. Arrogant brings her things all the time but if she had to choose one it would probably be Stupid who she dated last year (he's not really stupid, he just doesn't think before he makes decisions. Arrogant really is arrogant). But she takes advantage of them and has converted Turtelina, usually very neutral, and started including her in the group. Anyways, they started uninviting Elizabeth from things and ended up losing a lot of their friends (at least temporarily). They were having a Halloween party and invited everyone but uninvited California Designer and Elizabeth, and everyone got mad. It ended up being just the four of them. I have been pretty vocal about how I feel about all the situations, although (hopefully) have not been taking part in too much of the drama. I don't know. Oh highschool. But I am pretty happy because all MY friends are confident and interesting and strong and independent and down to earth, which is nice cause I got so sick of people like Jomama and WWW who always need your validation. Bleh. Anyways, Life goes marching on....

(p.s. I might use different names for people. Mama's girl is WWW, slong is Turtelina etc. my bad)

Seeing Spots Cont.

I have had it with high school. I have had it with the drama. I have had it with Mama's girl. She LIED to me. I asked her if she invited everyone to slong's party and she said, yep, got it covered. Come to find out, she didn't. She didn't even bother. there are so many words that I want to call her right now. There is no excuse. It is not her party. It is slong's. She should have the people who slong invited there. I have had it. I am so ready to take her down. And I hope that all the people she "forgot" to invite show tomorrow, even though I was so late on checking, just to freak her out. Cause she won't be able to do a thing. Yeah, yeah I know, I hold a grudge and I am so ready for a smack down. And I am making this more about me and her than about slong. I'm working on it. It will be about slong. I am just so frusterated. But if my friendy friend, gymnastica shows up and hebrew boy and rainbow girl and native american girl and big butt and skinny smart show up....man. She will be screwed. Honestly. You can't reserve tables at CPK I don't think, but she will be in major trouble if she somehow got a table. And there wont be anything she can do about it b/c SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE INVITED EVERYONE and asking why they show up will be calling her bluff AND showing just what a crappy person she is. I am tired and that might be why I feel more chemically unbalanced than normal but I am SO mad. WHY????? Selfish much??? But I swear, I will be calm and sickly sweet tomorrow...as much as I always am. B/c this is about slong, one of the sweetest people on the planet, about her birthday about showing her how much we love her. This is not about winning. this is not a game. This is all for slong. And I will take that step up and be above stupid mama's girl b/c I am so so much better than that. And she should NEVER, NEVER play games with a girl who can so obviously play them better.

The Spots!!!

Has anyone ever seen Morgan's Creek? No, no, nobody? Well, it is this great old movie with Betty Hutton. The guy who plays across from her gets high blood pressure and there is this really funny scene when she tells him she is pregnant and married but doesn't know to who and he walks around shouting "the SPOTS!!!!". Yeah. That's definitley how I'm feeling right now. I have ridiculous amounts to do. I just finished my last preseason at my high school, getting up at 5:30 every morning. I am on a team of 15 other seniors and then 7 lower classmen. 7 of these people are injured. I have really improved and yet don't think I will be playing much. Tomorrow is our first day of scrimmages, from 8-5. Then I have to rush over to a suprise party for this amazing girl who we shall (and do) call slong. The problem with THAT is that she planned her own party, from 12-5. The person who planned the second party did it only a few hours ahead of her but told everyone to make up excuses about going. We shall call that girl Mama's girl. She actually convinced slong not to have her birthday party at all. Unfortunatley, we all actually DO have prior commitments...but now Slong will be sitting around at home feeling miserable while we are out having fun. One of my closest friends, who I will call Corbear, has been trying to clean it all up. She is the nicest person ever. She has been trying to make Slong feel better and to show Mama's girl that this party needs to be about SLONG and not about her. She does it the nice way. I would, and am, have been really awful about it. It's cause of those spots!!!! AAAAARGGGHHHH. Mama's girl also conveniently forgot to invite a bunch of people........I'll get back late at night then have to be at school at 7:35 to leave on our senior retreat. I will return on monday at 11. New person orientation, of which I am a big sister, begins at 11. Goes till....one maybe. Fhockey practice starts at 3:30. Goes to 5:30. Supposed to decorate for our theme, which is Senior authority, at 6:15. THE SPOTS!!! And I have no idea WHAT I am going to do for that theme. I wanted to be flower power, summer of '69. Then school starts. That is when I finally get to rest. Not to mention colleges. I am currently reading Colleges that Change lives and trying to find some better schools for ME. Of course everyone is throwing in their opinions and I am just trying to breath because all I can see are THE SPOTSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Disappearing into the Crowd

My generation feels invisible. We live in a world where we spend more time talking to "friends" on the computer than we do in person, where parents are either incredibly overbearing to the point of abusiveness or are so neglective that we have been raising ourselves, a world where we push ourselves so hard because if we stop, for even one moment, we realize how alone and insignificant we feel. Isn't that why we open up blogs, myspaces and facebooks? We send our information out onto the web, hoping against hope that someone out there will care enough to acknowledge us, to show us our own power. I feel so alone. I am surrounded by people who love me, some by choice, some by blood and yet I feel as if my story is falling on deaf ears. I had hoped that by explaining myself to the cyber world I would hear back an echo, something to show me that my thoughts could turn into a rallying cry and yet all I hear when I send my thoughts out is reverberating silence. I live a life, make mistakes that have been made a thousand times before. I may be cynical in this moment yes, but somehow I still believe I have a purpose here, that I have a reason to keep living. When I have heard that hopeful sound of my own thoughts being voiced, I am so suprised, so astonished that I do something drastic, forcing that voice further and further away so that even in my moments of cocooned desperation, I cannot rely on them to rock me back into myself. I have even convinced myself that I it is alright that they do not reply, that I should have never expected and trusted them to offer their shoulder when I needed it. I try hopelessly to convince myself that I am strong and can make it through this time by myself. All that I have left to give, I am using on myself. I am drained of energy, I cannot give more of myself to those who simply crave the attention instead of actually wanting to solve their problems. I know how selfish that is and that the best way to get love is to recieve it, but all I want to do right now is curl up and shed a couple of picturesque tears.

The Love of My Life

Field hockey. Ha! You thought I was going to say the Green Eyed one or Hebrew Boy or someone else. Nah. They are but mere mortals. Field hockey is the love of my life. This is the one thing that I love that I haven't been good at. I have had to work my butt off, starting as the last player to be put on in 6th grade at the worst school, playing more in 7th, starting in 8th then going to high school where I was the 3rd worst player on the freshman/C team, starting on JV sophmore year, benching it on varsity junior year and hopefully being a starter on the state champ team next year. I am just about to depart for 4 days of field hockey and I can't wait. There are some things I dread, namely the people I play with, but everything else should be spectacular. My little sis and her friend are coming along this year, so I can chill with them if need be. Misfits don't generally play field hockey, so when I am with my team I am rather quiet. We have all come to respect and tolerate one another for the sake of the team and none of them are truly horrible people, we just don't all see eye to eye. But I am studying as hard as I can, watching field hockey, playing, thinking, breathing field hockey. I am filled by that determination that comes with the knowledge that there are so many people who think I "Can't" but that also there are so many people, including my coach, an AMAZING player and hard ass person, who think I "Can". And me. I know I can. Every year I train my butt off and accomplish my goal. Nothing is sure, but I have enough fire within me to work as hard as I possibly can. I love field hockey. I will be sore and exhausted, sweaty and hot, but I will play as though I just stepped out onto the field. What I lack in skill I will make up for in determination, and slowly I will learn the skills. I can be faster, stronger because I want this. Go me!!!

World on My Shoulders

I know I am just really tired and that is why I am so stressed and weepy, but I feel like I am in this box and it is just closing in on me from all sides. It's no wonder that people have nervous breakdowns and take superstrength medication in America and that people are kicked out of their businesses at 25 because they are over the hill. I feel over the hill and I haven't even turned 17. There is so much I have to do. To get into these amazing schools I am supposed to submit an essay that sums up every facet of my being to a group of people who has read about a thousand of the same essays, hoping that, because of a 3 page paper they will accept me. But to go to those schools, I need money, so here I am writing more papers, trying to be funny, serious, charismatic, caring, independent....trying to put all that on paper just so that someone can maybe, maybe send me $1,000 so that I can attend a school of my choice without putting my parents onto the street. Then there are all the extracurriculars. I love volunteering, but I am supposed to have started a homeless shelter and tutored kids at the same time to get into the schools of my choice, while maintaining a 4.3 GPA, being a leader in everyday activities at my school, making varsity on every team or getting lead in all the musicals and still try to be happy. It doesn't seem to matter that, even if I am the worst player on the team, I LOVE the sport I play. Or that maybe I have a 3.6 GPA because I spend hours every night counseling people, trying to help them survive the HELL that is high school. That maybe I don't think grades could or ever should sum up anyone. And even though I am a great person and my mom reminds me that I have gotten into all the really selective schools that I have wanted to get into, I just find myself feeling so worried. Essays, grades, extracurriculars, sports, social life, being well adjusted....I can't do this all. I can't hold the world on my shoulders. And right now, I feel like I am doing it alone because the Green Eyed Kid...well, I don't know how we stand. It's not his fault that he is the only one who I can gush to about all this stuff and end up feeling better instead of feeling worse. So, I'm trying not to put him in that position, I guess, allowing him to be just as selfish (not that its a horrible thing) as most of my other friends who are great at ranting about their problems but REALLY horrible about listening. And it's summer. I am supposed to be happy. I have two jobs, went on a college trip, have a vague notion of what I want to do tomorrow, next week and maybe next month, am going to all the camps I love and here I am sitting in my room just wanting to curl up with the hopes that the elementary school rule of "you can't see me, I can't see you" will work. I guess I will put myself to sleep after rewriting my long list of to dos, knowing that tomorrow I am expected to find a replacement for shifts I am missing, change appointments, write at least two semi decent essays, sign up for ANOTHER standardized test, clean everything, fix everything.......I will make it through though. I always have.

A Glass Box of Emotion

Summer time. Great time because 1) I am alone with my own thoughts. Stinks because 1) I am alone with my own thoughts. And, it's worse than normal (yes, I am dramatic, thank you). Because my friend who we shall call Jomama, a crazy girl at my school who has always been there starting with the first day when she told me she loved my mismatched socks, is switching schools. Which sucks. But that wasn't what pushed up the first wall in my glass box. It was the fact that she is in love with Hebrew Boy. Oh and then another good friend, one who I always seem to reconnect with in the summer cause we are always around at the same times and who we shall call Princess T, decided that she likes the Green Eyed Demon. I guess I can't call him that though because I got to hang out with him and Princess T and he really is quite nice. And v. cute. Although I hated him for the beginning (my mind changed when this other girl was a bitch to him in front of me (not Princess T) and pissed me off cause he looked genuinely hurt. I guess it was a "no one is allowed to bitchy to him but me" reaction. And then when I was actually starting to have a convo with him we had to leave. And the way he looked at me made my heart melt a little bit. Then he took Princess T down town and held her hand and put his arm around her. So, while I was on my grueling college vacation, she was calling and texting me to ask if he liked her and what should she do. I have basically numbed myself but a little part of me is like "WAIT!". I try to have no opinion about them as a pair b/c I think part of it is that part that melted when he hugged me goodbye, but they REALLY aren't a good match. She is TRULY a princess who has lots handed to her and is really smart but a bit daft. He is a golden hearted absentminded professor. UGH. And I have no one to tell about this!!!!!!!!!!! Ah well. I'll just stay numb.

Sun Baby

I am in my element in the summer. The heat and the constant motion and yet the floating at the same time. I am a baby of the sun, a darkening copper girl with insane black fire tendril hair. I am somewhere deep in my mind, just observing the warm greeness of gnats and chlorine. I sit on the stoop for hours reading and dozing off with open eyes, watching the people of my world walk by, consuming sweet sticky fruits that leave their delicious tropical yellow scents dripping off my soft fingers. I like just watching boys but not feeling any need to get involved and only talking to people that I like and not attempting to fix my internal problems but knowing that my intense peacefulness is slowly mending all the rips and tears that formed over the school year. I am cleaning up and moving like a girl caught in syrup, getting things done in a slog jog, not a rush, because there are hours and hours to fill and to pass while gazing at the blue sky and another bright day will come again. I sleep well, dreaming and letting all my worries and thoughts and fears pile out of me at night to join the rushing sound of the highway so that I am lighter and freeer when I wake up. I am happy, a Leo, a sun baby, warm and copper and golden and darkening, loving the way the sun caresses my body and my skin and loving wearing huge shirts and shorts around because I love my body and don't want to don't need to show off for objectifiers. I digest books and life all sitting on my front stoop and everything around me keeps moving while I am in the middle, floating, being, bounding through a river of sunshine, a sun baby in a life cradle.

Suprise!!!

How do you feel about suprises? I, generally, enjoy them. I also, generally and honestly, expect them. I can just feel them coming.
I have always known that Green Eyed Demon would show up sometime when I wasn't expecting. Of course I figured this would be at like a rivalry game or something between our two schools, but I guess since I expected that, there was no possibility of it actually happening. So, after a year, where do I see the Green Eyed Demon?? At the SAT 2s. As if those aren't stress inducing enough!!!!!!!!!!! I honestly didn't think he was going to be there. What a scary gurgle in my tummy there was when he walked through the door in a pumpkin guts long sleeve shirt.
Still the same Green Eyed Demon. And, oh gosh, I tried to ignore him. I don't know why. I was just acting on instinct. But then he was there, hugging me and smiling at me and asking me how I was and LOOKING at me. He wouldn't stop looking at me. Every time I would be laughing with my friends (including Hebrew Boy), he was there, grinning and looking at me. Not like I looked awesome or anything, so I have no idea what thoughts were running through his head. I hadn't brushed my ridiculous amount of hair so it was piled in a frizzy bun on my head and I was wearing the same sweatshirt I've had since the summer before freshman year and bright yellow shorts that I found at the goodwill and were covered in stains from my various activities (eating, painting, drawing) and flip flops. But there he was looking at me and grinning at me.
Ironically, he was sitting next to Hebrew Boy during the tests. When I realized this I quickly looked inside to see how I felt...nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. The boys I've been pining over since like 6th grade sitting next to eachother. Hebrew boy on one side, quiet, stubborn, wirey but muscly, curly brown hair, thoughtfully staring out the window with those beautiful blue eyes and his favorite weird shoes under his sister's desk. Then the Green Eyed Demon on the other side, twitching in his chair, spazzy and quick, goofy, very muscly in a Disney man sense with that weird little blond patch of hair at the base of his neck sticking out from the mud brown crop on his head. And nothing. No flutters, no vomiting feelings. The first thought in my mind was actually how much I hate boys. Boys and all their....boyness. Their leering and their smiling and their broad shoulders and muscles and leaning on things and looking. Ugh boys. So I decided, I quit boys. Let's see how long this lasts!!!

Clarity

I finally learned my lesson. About the Green Eyed Demon. That is the boy who I thought I was in love with, no not the one from Hebrew school. The one from middle school, my best/ex best friend. I spent all this time trying to get his attention. Trying to make him realize how much he needed me. Because I felt like, maybe, if he realized how cool I was, I would realize how cool I was too. The only time I had realized my potential was when I was talking to him. But I am really awesome without him. I know my potential. I am so full of potential and hopes and dreams. And if he doesn't want to return email messages or phone calls or come to things I plan, that is truly on him. My tears are wasted. Cause he is not MY perfect guy, or A perfect guy for that matter. He is the G.E.D., he is human. He still has a lot of growing to do. And sure he's pretty cool, but I'm not gonna try to force somethign that might never happen. I am ok by myself. Same thing on the Hebrew School kid. He is sweet and pretty gorgeous and he is stubborn as hell and so similar to me, but I like him as a friend. Or not even as a friend. He's just a cool pic. At least I have a type, I guess, now. I like athletic guys. I like guys who are like me, stubborn and argumentative and opinionated (but not wrong) with a good sense of humor, easy going cause I am a girl and have mood swings. But right now, I quite like me.

Mezlca de Emociones

It's only the first day of summer and I'm already tired of fighting with my mom. She shirks her responsibilities, delegates them to other people and then still manages to make me feel bad for not getting to me when she wants me to. Things get put off until someone else does them or she is tired of being nagged: the car blinker, groceries etc. But when I bring them up I get in trouble and her eyes are filled with cold white anger. I don't want to spend the whole summer fighting. I want her to remember to do things the same way that I am supposed to. After all, shouldn't a fourty something year old be more responsible than a teenager?
Prom is not all it's cracked up to be. Not that I went, I actually went to the movies instead. I went to after prom and pre prom, just skipped that central part. And the only difference that it has inspired in me is exhaustion which could be the explanation of why I am just sitting here sobbing.
I start nannying tomorrow. I get to do all the things I love with people I like for money.
And the kid from Hebrew School...well I am so glad that it is summer. Because last night I just liked him more than ever. After I had teased him about not dancing, I heard he danced away while trying to make sure that his sister had a good time because she was going with one of his good friends. He is just such a good guy. I was looking at all the prom pictures and caught myself just grinning whenever I would see his. The little happy wrinkles he gets around his eyes are just...amazing. But isn't it so ironic that I am the only one of his friends, I think, that knows and helped him talk to the girl he liked and go on a date with her.
Summer, my favorite season is here. I am already dark from riding my bike to school. My arm hair is turning blonde. This is the season of long nights and freedom and loneliness. It's the time of books and long hours in front of the computer and poetry and staring at the big moon. It's the time when I throw my blankets off in the heat of the night and when I can wake up at six in the morning and go for a run. Ice cream, cooking, movies and smiles. Rest, stories, bright colors, new ideas and ambitions, bitter times of remembering the past. My birthday, music, sitting on the stoop watching cars go by, eating too much and wishing for rain. Green leaves, brown grass, multicolored tank tops and shorts, bright colors at outdoor movies and carnivals and festivals, a passing word with a close friend. And then the chaos will start again...

Floating, Drifting, Waiting

I am no longer in motion. Summer is almost here and for the first time in months I have free time. And I have no idea what to do with it. I am just floating, drifting, waiting. I am senseless and emotionless, waiting for something to come and wake me from this numb dream. I am waiting to be reminded of who I was when I loved life and wasn't cynical and bitchy. I am waiting for someone to show me that I can fall in love instead of helping the guys I like to get their girls (although I don't mind this truly, because they are happy and that is good and usually I feel relieved they don't like me, even though I've always known they don't). I am frozen in time. Everything that I do is simply a time filler, something to keep me going until I do find that burst of orange smelling sunlight that will wake me up from this comatose state. I feel my dreams in front of me and I can remember that past but I am suspended in between, almost as though there is no present. Idling, dreaming, sleeping, hoping, waiting, drifting, floating.

So Complicated

So, I'll admit, there is another guy. This one I met in Hebrew school. I was about 11 or 10 at the time and we didn't talk but I remember thinking "WOW, he is cute. If we ever meet again, I hope something happens". At that time I thought his twin sister was obnoxious. She was mouthy and kinda mean to this nerdy kid Daniel.
On the day of the freshman pizza party that happens every year right before school starts, I walked in and was introduced to these two once again. My heart pounded a bit. There is he was again, taller and tanner and leaner.
At the end of freshman year I liked him. I even wrote a poem (creepy, but it was pretty good) about him. We were friends as well and had deep convos on AIM (seriously). But I was always attracted to him.
At the beginning of sophmore year I still liked him. We were still having deep convos, but I would lose my ability to speak whenever he came near me. He figured out I liked him. I had a fit and didn't talk to him much after that. I was still attracted to him.
It is the end of the year again and I didn't really see him much up until like two weeks ago and I am still attracted to him. Alot. But I can't like him. And it's driving me crazy. Nails in palm crazy.
First reason: His sister is my best friend (maybe why I like him. they are similar and I'm way straight, he is like her in really gorgeous boy form)
Second Reason: another of my friends and him had this huge fight rather similar to the one I had with my ex best friend and I can't even imagine the chaos.
Third: He would hate me if he knew what I did to my ex best friend
Fourth: He doesn't like me
Fifth (and this is a point for and against): We are so similar. We are both always right (except when we both disagree). We are stubborn and independent and say what we think.
Sixth: Most of his friends are my friends.

But he laughs at my jokes and my bluntness and he truly is gorgeous. He has beautiful blue eyes that wrinkle when he smiles or laughs. He has a brillant smile and amazing teeth now that he just got his braces off. He is muscly but not overdone. He loves food. He is a soccer player and only wears hoodies (I seem to have a thing for soccer players (and hockey ones) and guys who wear hoodies). He is a great debater and has good sense about life (except for when it comes to his own, like me). He is very smart and articulate and silly. And honestly, however silly this sounds, I wouldn't mind marrying him. He would be a great husband and I think we would be happy.

But it can't happen and it won't and it's almost summer and I hope to forget him. I hope he doesn't realize this happened AGAIN. I don't want to like him. But sometimes when I see him, it's like he is holding a magnet and I am drawn to him. So much so that I have to grit my teeth and clench my fists in order to not run after him. It's so complicated.

Stop it.

Yes, that's right, stop it, just stop it. Yes, I'm talking to you. I'm talking to all of you out there. I can't do this. I am so overwhelmed. So just leave me alone, ok? Please? Because everytime I get close to someone, something happens. I stop being interested and hurt them or they stop being interested and hurt me either way making me feel bad. Not just lovers (not that there have been any of those) but also friends. I always seem to ditch my friends. I should come with a warning. Warning: Gets Tired and Disposes of People Quickly. I think in terms of my friends, my motto is actually "The further away the better" because the friends that I like best are the ones who are never around. And then you, you that kid at the ice cream store, STOP LOOKING at me. Because I can't do anything. I don't have enough energy to be nice to you all the time and I feel bad when you turn those big brown eyes on me. I like you, which therefore means that I am not comfortable around you, so please, if you know whats good for you, either lay off or lay it on thick. If you talk to me, I will talk back. I don't ignore you because I hate you, I ignore you because I don't know what to do around you. I still have the mentality of a kindergartener. I'm just so tired. I am ready for summer time. Please, someone, save me from myself. I always expect too much of people. They can't be arrogant, spoiled or late. They can't always talk about themselves but they can't echo everything I say. They have to be opinionated but in the right way and they have to be independent. I found very few of these people. But, I guess I have the wrong ideas about friends. I always expected to meet a couple and stay best friends with them for the rest of my life, maybe conveniently falling in love with one of them and marrying him. But that doesn't happen. Ever. I meet someone who I click with for a while and then I get tired of them and move away from them. So, just stop it, ok? Please. For these next coupla weeks I don't want any interaction more than brief flirting and small talk. That's it. I'm too worn out to do anymore. I will break with more guilt and possibilities and woulda coulda shouldas. So, please, just let me figure out my life. I'll call you when I do.

I Celebrate Myself: My Version of Walt Whitman's Poem

I celebrate myself. Or at least I accept myself. Some days I feel as though I know myself well, others I am incredibly suprised. Those are the days when I hear something incredibly cutting and uncalled for come out of my mouth or when I notice my own biases and prejudices. Those are also the days when I look in the mirror and think "Wow, I am beautiful" or beat a personal record. I am far beyond perfect. I like to believe that I am queen but I know the extent of my power and I try to use it well. I am smart, or so my IQ tests would have me believe, but I don't believe in grades. I am afraid of being judged and yet I judge. I act confident, as though I know the answer to all the problems, and yet I always mess up when I am the one stuck in the quicksand. Oftentimes, I do know the answer to the problems of the people around me. I have a good feel for humans and I like to believe that I believe that they are innatley good, but sometimes I am suprised by the smallest things. I try to do random acts of kindness and yet it is on those days, the days when I am nicest to other people, that I am meanest to my family. I love colors. I cannot let go of anything because I know that someday I will need it and often I find that, if I have waited long enough, I do find a use for that little plastic box or that awful hat. I believe in beauty and I do see it in people. I see it in the curve of a hand or the way someone smiles. I am arrogant and yet oh so self-concious and I despise arrogant people. Someone once told me that we hate the people who are most like ourselves. I try to have an open mind but there are days when I get the urge to just force people to do things. I am interested in almost everything and a lot of the time, I do things just to prove that I can. I was that girl in elementary school who would do pushups every day until I finally got good enough to do more than the boys just to prove to my P.E. teacher that girls CAN be just as strong as boys. I am Miss Independent and yet I still ask my parents to walk me to the door. I am a romantic, an idealist and a realist. I used to be an optimist. I love drama, maybe because I hate focusing on myself or maybe because it is terribly interesting to me to watch other people. The truth is, I love myself and I think that this is a good thing because if I hated myself, life would truly not be worth living. I am this person who is so mature and sensible and yet some days I know it is just an act. I am taller now, leaner, muscler. I have dark brown eyes, long eyelashes and beautiful lips. I hold my head high like a queen and I have that strong chin that is said to be the mark of one. I pierced my nose last summer, I have long curly black hair that has a mind of its own and the fingernail finally grew back to replace the one that fell off after I slammed it in my locker. I smile less and laugh less now, I feel more serious but I try to remember not to overthink things. I love my singing voice and the little heart shaped mole on my left arm. I have long fingers and square hands, earth hands I think. I am a Leo and show all traits of it. I feel so young, so helpless sometimes and in those moments I have to remind myself that I need to be strong, that I can be strong, because I am all that I have but I don't think that this is really true. I love characters, people who can make me laugh. My favorite person is my grandfather and my second favorite person is that boy I loved. I am strong and independent and head strong but I love people and I love helping people and I love that sense that I get when someone finally feels good about themself. Lately I haven't been able to cry, but today I cried while watching TV. I believe that every human, EVERY human has the right to life, the right to be. I don't believe in the death penalty because, at least for me, leaving someone alive with the same thing to eat, the same bed, the same room and no variance, that, THAT would be worse than death. Death is the only thing I do not fear. I am me. I am this, this person who is growing and changing and shifting every day, this person who has such a terribly strong desire to change the world, to make it better than the one that I live in today. I know that it can be better because I believe that people care what happens to those around them. I am this young girl of a generation that has grown up with computers and color television, DVDs and personal cell phones, global warming and growing gaps between people of different color and race and gender and nationality. I am this person who sees and feels the pain and I know, I have to know, that I can help this, that I can make this better, whether it be by smiling at someone or spending an hour donating free rice online. So I will move forward, through this fear, this pain, this darkness because I carry in my soul, in my heart, hope. That is the light that guides me. And if I can share that light, share that understanding, that belief that things can be better, that this life doesn't have to be a chore, than that is exactly what I will do. And that is why I celebrate myself.

Nervous Anticipation

I spent the whole day, literally 24 hours, thinking about when I was going to see him. I told myself I was going to deliver brownies to Lazy Boy, a mutual friend. And maybe I was, and I did, but I needed to see him. I felt so nervous all day and I believed that I was going to pee in my pants when we got to the field where their lax game was. And then I went and stood by the fence, they were just coming out of their huddle, and there he was. The only one without his helmet, that team mohawk sticking straight up. And that was it. He walked away and I stood there and realized that I was still breathing. I hadn't combusted or fallen over. My heart was still beating. He was on one side of the fence and I was on the other (maybe that means something, but it was just how it was). And I am alive and glad I went. Would it have been different if he saw me? Is THAT when the world would have stopped? Or will the world keep turning regardless. Probably the latter. All that nervous anticipation and nothing. And that is how I prefer it. Because that boy I knew, he's still alive, he's still around. I can't swoon every time I see him.

Vulnerability

What is it that makes humans so afraid of being protectionless, of being vulnerable? Is it that incredible fear of being hurt that makes us put up barriers between ourselves and others? Or do we just like being mysterious? Is this the reason that, usually, the people who can see right through those thick layers of protection scare us so much? Or are we secretly, if subconciously, glad that someone has finally decided to take the time to discover us and the amazing person that we are? So, why do we do this? Why do we put up barriers between ourselves and other people when the vulnerability of someone else is what makes them so attractive? That rawness, that freshness, isn't that what makes us feel so strongly about someone? Is it really that we are terrified of one another and what they might see or is it that we are terrified of ourselves and what might be revealed to us if we stop hiding from ourselves? Is fear of vulnerability what makes us cry ourselves to sleep instead of crying in front of the person that pains us? Do we fear that showing that weakness will only give them strength? What if that is exactly what we need for them to see us for what we really are: people. What if that callousness is what pushes us further and further away from other people of our species? What if the only cure is to be vulnerable and raw and fresh because that is what we are meant to be? What if our mysteries were made public and we were able to cry in the faces of our enemies and laugh at whatever we thought was funny? Would we then be more open and less horribly afraid of love or would we just crumple at the slightest breeze? Would we be able to be free, released from the chains of what society says, of what we are supposed to be, do, say, free to be ourselves without inhibitions? Is freedom really that frightening to us? So, however hypocritical I am, I say, why not be vulnerable, why not show that vulnerableness. For me, the person I try hardest to block is the one who can strip me down (mentally not physically haha) in a time so small there is no word for it. The person who I try to protect myself from with baggy clothes and sarcasm knows me. He sees me. He doesn't see that me that I dress in the morning and send off to school, he sees the me who is still at home enjoying a book that she doesn't understand and yet loves anyways. He sees the me who thinks too much, the me who is. The essence of me, my core. I'm not sure he knows that. Yesterday I was feeling more raw than ever and a friend, J., told me to show him that vulnerable side. And I was...am...terrified. Because that is it. That is ME. I will have no more excuses, no more protections and what if that is not enough? Not enough for what, I wonder. Not enough for him to feel the way I feel, or think I feel or something. I will have nothing left to give. But maybe, maybe that is all I should ever give. Because I don't think I would ever really be happy if he accepted that facade. That facade is not me. In my vulnerability, I am pure, bare, free. Terrified, shaking like a wet cat and hoping to whoever hears me that he will...that he will love me as much as I loved that boy I knew.

A Bit of Heartache

I have these days when I'm fine, I just live my life with an occasional thought that has nothing to do with the moment. But then I have these other days, days when I feel.....when I feel like I am being tugged at by everything and that the only person I really want to talk to, who could just make me feel like thats ok and that everything will be ok, is the one who is the furthest away from me. And I know that I could call him, email him, text him...but then I also know that I won't. These are the days when I can feel my heart ache. I sigh and feel the weight of missing him. I am dramatic I know. I am also probably obsessed or a stalker, or whatever people would say that this feeling makes me. Maybe part of me thought, hoped, that after so long I would be able to let go. But still, every now and then I get this heart ache for that boy I knew. I know better than anyone, though, that when you are wishing this hard for someone to show up or something to happen, that is when it doesn't. It is only when you have stopped wishing and have given up hope, have finally decided that wishing is nothing compared to living, that your wish gets granted. But telling myself those things doesn't stop the pain or the sadness and I end up crying again over someone who is not here in this moment. Maybe tomorrow it will go away again and I will have forgotten about that boy I knew. I will use my time to help other people and this, whatever this is, will be gone, pushed away. But maybe it means something that it is so difficult for me to keep all of this out of my mind, my heart and my soul. Maybe it means something that I still write him letters and talk about him and miss him so much it hurts. Maybe it means something strong...and maybe not.

Thoughts of the Day

I want to try to match the amount of time I spend on facebook or my email accounts with the amount of time that I spend on the "Click to donte" websites. This is a very easy, quick way to help the world and I can certainly spare that time.
I want to try to keep my friends aware and thinking. I want to speak up for what I believe in, but not in a negative way. I want to take action NOW.
I want to redefine the word sexy for myself. Being sexy is being strong, standing tall, believing in yourself. That does not necessarily imply being skinny, showing skin and wearing tons of makeup.
I want to follow my dreams and to be passionate and to NO LONGER LET FEAR GET IN MY WAY. I want to try to do a random act of kindness everyday.
I want to tell the truth about everything and everyone and to never say things about someone that I can't say to them. I want to believe that kindness and goodness reside in everyone. I want to try to broaden my mind and to never allow it to close. Closed minds breed hate and fear. I want to be the best person that I can be and to help the world as much as I can. I want to spend less time watching TV and more time reading and keeping up news. I want to break stereotypes just to show that I can. I want to learn everything and anything possible and to really take full advantage of all the resources that I have. I want to address my own prejudices and biases, out loud and without fear.
And you know what?
I will.
As my friend A. says, START A REVOLUTION!!!

On Women's Sports

Anybody seen the new group on facebook called P.A.W.s? No, no, nobody? Whether as a joke or not, the description of this group is as follows:
P.A.W.S. is for those sports fans who just cannot stand women's sports. When watching sports center and the women's highlights come on, you just laugh. Sports were made for men. women are sometimes acceptable in volley ball, tennis, and cooking.
Anybody offended yet? No? Well, weirdly enough, I am. This is an ironic time to find this group because I am just getting revved up for my off-season training. Ok, yeah, this group has 33 people in it. But, I mean, come on. That is pathetic. I guess it would be petty and small to start a group like P.A.M.S. (People Against Men's Sports). Or would it be? Yeah, its the principle of the thing. The amount of women in sports now is fantastic. I mean Title IX was NOT implemented all that long ago. Talk about sexist. You don't have to enjoy women's sports, but at least respect them for what they are. I mean, they liberate women, even if for a blissful hour, from the stereotypes that society puts on them. When I am out there on the playing field, I am, thankfully, at peace with myself. I don't care what I look like because there is something graceful and strengthening in just playing a sport. But maybe these guys (cause yeah, it is mainly guys except for one girl who joined to tell them to GO DIE) make a good point. Women's sports are not ANYWHERE close to where they could be. Professional leagues, yeah, they say, they are laughable. No one watches women's lacrosse or soccer or basketball on television (or at least only a select few). Many women's sports aren't even professional. The only reason people know about professional women's volleyball is because they wear next to nothing. Thats pathetic and sad. This group is pathetic and sad. Is it cliche to suggest that these guys are so uncomfortable with the idea of girls gaining equality in what is usually thought of as THEIR sphere of sports that they ACTUALLY have to start a group commenting on the ridiculousness of women doing anything more than cooking? Maybe, then, the problem is not women's sports. Maybe its ideas about women. Oh yes, sexism is still around.

So theres this guy...

Or there was this guy. Four years ago. But...we were like best friends. Not the best friends of calling every night. We will call him the Green Eyed Demon. The best friends of just being there and seeing the others worst moments. I guess I kinda expected that the two would mix. He...his fault was a bad memory. I would invite him to things (I was always initiating it) and he would call me five minutes before whatever it was started and would tell me that he had forgotten, he had community service, or he had lacrosse practice. So...I did the worst thing I have ever done. I simultaneously told him I might be in love with him and that I didn't want him to talk to me anymore. And I didn't hear from him for a while. Then he wanted to talk cause he said things were getting bad. I called him and he told me to get on AIM then blew me off. He just left. There is much more to the story. I just still miss him.
I decided a bit ago that I couldn't spend all my time thinking about him. He is not here in this moment and there are other people who are. I cannot wallow.
I still miss him.
I don't know what love is. I haven't lived very far. I can only guess based on what I've heard and read and seen. So why would I have thought I was in love with him? I got butterflies whenever I talked to him. I could always sense when he was around. I loved being with him more than anything in the world. I miss him after 8 months of fights and anger and hurt and not seeing him. I would do just about anything for him. He treats me as an equal. When things happen, I want to share them with him. I have never cried so much for someone.
Reasons I think I don't love him: I get butterflies in my stomach. I don't feel like I am ME. I feel shy and quiet and that is NOT me. I sometimes felt a bit used by him. I felt like I got too obsessed with him.
So this is where I stand. Trying not to think about him. But man I still miss him like hell. I don't know where to go, up or down, from here. But I guess sometimes direction doesn't matter unless you know where you want to go...

The Fifth of March

This blog has been created so that I can express opinions and thoughts that I would like to share with other people or to at least have out in the world. This is not by any means a personal diary or a total explanation of the way I think or feel. I do not believe that I am always right. All I can do is guess, I'm blundering around as much as everyone else is. I can simply draw on past experiences and hope that my knowledge from times past will help me on my forward journey. I will generalize. I am human.
The objectifying of women: Lately, it seems to me that magazines such as Seventeen and Cosmogirl have really tried to help girls learn how to become confident, strong young women. I think this is amazing. This is not an easy thing to do by any means. But I do find that their methods are flawed. I mean, sure, the magazines are supported by advertising and I really have no knowledge of how choosy a magazine can be about who they pick to advertise. But if you look through these magazines, all of them are FILLED with PERFECT people. I mean that is a Duh. They are definitley magazines more about fashion and makeup than changing the world although I see many attempts on their part to find a good balance. I'm not saying modeling is bad. I'm just saying the way women models pose...is not great. The prone, vulnerable, save me look....well I mean, if you see these attractive people who are posing like that and you can see or know that they are getting whatever they want because of it, its hard not to want to pose and look like that. Go on facebook. In the pictures, girls pose the same way. They pout, they look sad, they look vulnerable, they say come hither with their eyes (haha). They imitate all those styles in the magazines in order to look attractive. Honestly I just think they look stupid. Why is it that girls take so many pictures? Is it so that they can show off themselves? Or is it a phenomena that is not gender specific. But not only do I think that magazines are flawed in THAT way, I also think that they give girls the wrong idea about guys. They objectify men as well!!!! The only guys who are in the magazine are the "cute ones". The only ones who are in pinups are slathered with oil and have fabulous abs and arms. These magazines teach us to have not only a high standard for women but also for men. All the men are either giving a gorgeous grin or are staring coldly. What are we supposed to think? Even when we DO think about these problems, how can we not help feeling influenced by them?